Episode 50: How to Follow Through with Your New Year’s Goals

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 50, How To Follow Through With Your New Year’s Goals. 

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Hey, you guys, welcome to the podcast episode this week. Is it really episode 50? Did I read that right? Do I have that correct? Do I need to go double check that this is really episode 50? Because wow, that's so cool.

Oh my gosh, you guys, Episode 50, that's almost a whole year of podcast episodes that I've done every single week for almost a year. That's just really cool for me. I'm really excited about that. I really want to go celebrate that. How am I going to celebrate? Maybe I'll go out to dinner.

And I do want to start out our podcast episode by celebrating some of you. And I actually am planning on sometime soon having a big celebration episode just with a lot of stories and a lot of people sharing their success in quitting porn. And the reason for this is because whenever we do this, whenever we celebrate wins, and when we celebrate as a whole, it just brings up the vibration for all of us. It brings up this energy for all of us.

The more that we celebrate ourselves and the more that we celebrate other people, the higher energy we have and so we create more celebrations and more wins in our own life. And I've seen this happen for me in so many areas of my life. And I see it happen with my clients. When we take time to celebrate and share these wins, it helps everyone.

And so as I share a couple of these I really want you to get– It can be kind of easy to get into the energy that's like, “Oh, well they're doing it and I'll never be able to do it.” What I want you to do, like the point of me sharing these is so that you can look at these and say, “If they can do it, maybe I can too.” And as you celebrate for them, you start to feel the possibility for yourself. And then you can create it yourself.

This is a really big technique that I used when building my business. It got kind of easy to look around and look outside of me and be like, “Oh, well, they're helping this many people and they're being this successful. Or they have this X, Y, or Z and I don't, they're being successful. Poor me.”

But when I shifted that and started changing into, “Wow, look at what they're doing. Congrats, that's so amazing. I'm so happy for you. Wow, look at the difference you're making in the world. That's so amazing, I'm so happy for you.” As soon as I did that I raised my vibrational energy and I started to create that for my own self so much quicker.

I once heard too, that this energy of celebration is the same energy as gratitude. When we celebrate what we've done or what other people have done, we're also just being grateful. And when we're grateful, we create more things to be grateful for.

So this first one is just a message from one of my clients. They said, “I've seen real results for the first time in my life. I've been struggling with a porn habit since I was 12. And after many bishops, ARP programs, a two year intermission, I am actually changing myself on a fundamental level. For the first time in my life, I feel that my identity is changing so that I can confidently say I am the type of person who can sit with these urges and porn will not be with me for the rest of my life.”

Oh, I get chills. That seems to be one of my client’s, like when I'm reading through– And so I have my coaches who work with me, which also I'm going to do a podcast interview with them, with Tina and Kat, who I’ve hired this last week to help me coach in the program, they're amazing. They're amazing. But they add testimonials or wins that they hear from clients into this doc, my assistant gathers them too and adds them to this doc and we have a bunch.

And that seems to be a common line that I hear, “For the first time in my life.” And every time I read it I get so excited. I'm like, “Yes!” For the first time in our life we're not looking at this porn habit as something that's going to be with us forever. Or is something that's wrong with us, or something that we can't control, or that we're confused and scared of.

For the first time in my life I feel free, and I feel like I can do this. And I'm learning these tools and these emotional management tools so that it's easy to manage these urges so I can change my identity so that I can really confidently say I can do this, and I am the person who will not look at porn for the rest of my life. I love it. Oh, I love it.

Okay, the second one is a win from a client who just went out on a mission. So for those of you who are listening who are not members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and probably many of you are, that's just something that our religion does. I mean, you've probably heard of Mormon missionaries. Who hasn't? There's a Broadway play about them, right? And to go on a mission, a lot of people want to fully quit porn before they go out and they do that.

So this person says, “Hello, Sara, I just want to say thank you for all of the content and the material that you've provided in this program. I have always wanted to serve a mission, but I knew I wanted to get rid of this habit before I did that. I have struggled for about a decade and really struggled with shame and genuine hatred towards myself. I've tried quitting in the past, but nothing stuck, and it felt like it left me in a worse shape than before I started.” Yeah, yeah, we're going to talk about that.

“After learning the correct principles in this program, I was able to get everything together and now I am able to serve a mission in Dallas, Texas.” So cool. He said, “I'm starting my MTC experience on Monday, so I might not be able to see your response for a while. But I just wanted to express my deepest sense of gratitude.”

And we want to celebrate you. We want to celebrate you. Congratulations, great job. I don't know if you're going to be listening to the podcast episode if you’re going on your mission, but really, really, really great work.

Okay, and this last celebration is from a client who said, “Processing my first 50 urges not only gave me incredible insight, but made the frequency of the urges decrease.” Oh, so good. “I have lost a lot of the fear of feeling bad. I am embracing the river of misery and I will be completely porn free in the future thanks to what I am learning and practicing from the program.”

Yes, and I love this one because he said processing my first 50 urges made the frequency of my urges decrease. Remember, I haven't talked about this in the podcast for a little while, I think. But remember the Pavlov's dog example. And when we can learn to ring that bell and not give ourselves the reward enough times, that over desire goes down. And just like Pavlov's dog stopped salivating, we stop having as many urges. That is the goal of processing urges.

And I have my clients go through an exercise where they process 100 urges and try to get to 100. And many of them don't even get to 100, they get to 30, or 50, or 60, or 70 and then they're like, “I'm not really having any more urges, what do I do now? Am I doing something wrong?” And I'm always like, “No, you're not doing something wrong, you're doing something incredibly right. And look, isn't that amazing that you didn't even have to get to 100 for all of those urges to start decreasing?”

And now, listen, that's not everyone. Some people need to do more than 100 or get to 100 and they're just kind of starting to get the hang of it at 100. Especially if you're having tons of urges all the time. So that's not everyone. But that is something that I've been getting a lot of feedback from in the program, is I'm not able to get to 100 urges because my urges go away, what's wrong? I’m like nothing's wrong, that's exactly how it's supposed to work. So awesome, great, great job.

Okay, and I want to start today by talking about the new year because when this is released, it'll be just a few days before the New Year. And specifically, what I want to talk about is how to stay committed to our New Year's goals. Because that's what we always hear and those are the memes around New Years is people go to the gym for a couple of weeks and then the gym is empty again, right?

And I want to address that, and especially if your goal, if something you want by the end of 2022 is to quit porn, I want to help you stay committed to that so that you can actually make it happen. What's amazing about the new year is that there is this surge of energy, and we want to use it. And I want to give you some tools on how to stay committed to that goal that you have throughout the whole year.

So my number one tip for you is to realize that you're not going to sustain new year energy, and that's okay. I love the new year energy, it feels like newness and re-commitment, and you start thinking about like, “Oh, I have a brand new start. And what am I going to do this year?” I love that energy.

And a lot of people don't, they don't love that energy because they kind of make fun of people who get this high energy and they're like, “I'm going to do these things.” And then they quit on their goals a few months later. And I don't really love that, I don't love that approach to it.

One thing to recognize is that energy, it comes and goes, and it ebbs and flows. And this is just a principle of the universe and of the world. Energy ebbs and flows, and we see that everywhere. We see that in the tides and in the waves, we see that in the moon cycles. We see that in the seasons. There's just ebbs and flows, and it's not supposed to be constant and consistent all the time.

And in the new year there's this big surge of energy and I think it's amazing It's almost worldwide that people feel this surge of energy. And it's almost worldwide that people will re-commit to things at the new year, it's an amazing thing. The problem is, what happens is that this energy goes away after a couple weeks or after a few months. And then when that energy goes away, sometimes people give up.

And so when people don't like the new year, this new year energy, the reason they don't like it is because they think it's supposed to stay forever. And there's something wrong because we're having this energy and then it goes away and then we quit.

But listen, people quit not because something's gone wrong, and the energy was fake, and this new year’s thing was just a scam, and no one can really stay committed to things at all. People give up because they think that there's a problem when that energy goes away.

And so it's really important to notice that nothing has gone wrong when that New Year's energy goes away. Okay, you're not supposed to feel that new year energy all the time. That's a really great energy to re-commit and to re-decide your priorities, you're supposed to get that surge. And then you're supposed to feel that surge go away. And when that energy and that surge of energy goes away, you can still learn to sustain and keep your goals.

Okay, there's that high energy, that high motivation energy. And then that tends to go away, and we want to move into more commitment energy, into more sustainability energy. And it's not like in this commitment and in this sustainability energy we can't keep those same goals and those same New Year's resolutions.

No, that's where we do the work and actually follow through with those New Year's resolutions, is in this different energy that isn't so intense, isn't so excited, isn't so motivated. But more committed and more disciplined and more sustainable and a little bit more slow.

So thinking that there is a problem because the energy went away is going to make it really hard to keep going. Okay, so instead of, “Oh no, that new year energy is gone, what's wrong? It's all a scam.” I want you to try, “Oh, that new year surge of energy is gone and that's okay. Now, how am I going to access some discipline? How am I going to access and create what I really do you want?” This is where having a coach or someone that's kind of helping you and keeping you accountable is really, really helpful.

Okay, my tip number two for you in following through with your New Year's goals to quit porn is to process the urge to quit, like you would process an urge to view porn. So remember, we've talked about this a lot in the podcast, when you feel an urge to go and view porn, you don't just try to make it go away. You don't just, “Go away, go away, go away, I don't want to feel you.” And you also don't just give into it.

You stop, drop, and breathe into it. You feel it, you breathe into it, you notice it. And then you decide what you're going to do. I want you to do the same thing when you have that urge to quit. A lot of times when we have that urge to quit, we try to make it go away and push it away. And then we can only do that for so long and then we just give into it, and we quit.

But instead, notice that feeling. You're feeling some resistance to quit, you're feeling some resistance to keep going. What does it feel like in your body? Breathe into it, relax into it, and then continue forward even when you're feeling that discomfort, even when you're feeling that urge to quit.

This is life changing, you guys. I say this all the time and I'm going to say it again, but quitting porn is about so much more than quitting porn. Because when you learn to sit through these urges and sit in the discomfort with urges to view porn, you can do that in every area of your life, including urges to quit or give up.

And then you learn how to not quit and give up because it's the same mindful practice. It doesn't require more willpower, it doesn't require more grit. It just requires mindfully sitting with discomfort. And if you can do that with an urge to view porn, you can do that with anything.

Okay, my tip number three for you in following through with your New Year's goals is to notice that progress is up and down. It's not just consistently up all the time. I'm hoping that my assistant posts a video of me drawing this out on a graph so you can go check it out on my Instagram. It should be posted by the time this podcast is out, but I'm going to try to explain it here over the microphone.

So the idea is often we think that success is just like a straight line that's going forward. And instead what I want you to do is think of progress as up and down points on a graph where the overall slope is up, but there's also up and down points. Okay, maybe a better visual for a podcast where you can't see me drawing anything is the example of climbing a mountain.

When you are climbing up a mountain, you are not just going straight up the mountain the whole time, at least most of the time. If you're taking like a real path, you are not just going straight up the mountain the whole time. And if you're climbing a big mountain, you can't go straight up the mountain the whole time, you will be exhausted, and your body won't be able to do it.

Instead you go up hills and then maybe you even out for a little bit. And then you go up again, and then maybe you dip, you go into a little valley. And then you come up again and you dip again. And then you come up and then you even out. And it's up and down and up and down and up and down, but the overall progress is up and that's why you make it to the top of the mountain.

This is progress with quitting porn too. It's not always up, you will have little dips. You will have little slip ups, you will have little down moments. And that doesn't mean that you're starting all the way at square one. Like you're climbing a mountain and you go into a dip, it doesn't mean you're walking back down the mountain and now you have to start all over. No, it's just a part of the journey, it's just a part of the path, it's just a part of the trail.

It's the same with weight loss, right? A lot of people think that your number on the scale means more than it really does mean. And so people who record their number on the scale, what they'll see are little dots up and down, up, and down, up, and down.

But the overall trend is moving in the direction that they want it to even if one day they weigh more because they had a lot of sodium and a lot of water the day before. And then it's back down and then it goes up and then it goes down. But the overall trend is going downward. Okay, so that's exactly what it looks like with pornography, too.

This is something I coach all the time on in the program is these little dips are not now I'm starting over at square one. We can look at these, we can learn from these and then we can keep going. And that's what's amazing, when you stop focusing on quitting porn by just not looking at how many days am I going without quitting porn.

But you change your focus in quitting porn to be like what skills am I learning? How am I getting better at managing my emotions? How am I learning how to change my beliefs? How am I overcoming shame? How am I learning to sit with urges? How am I learning commitment? Those skills don't go away.

Do you see what I mean? You learn them and you get better and better and better at them. And so when you have a slip up, it's not like those skills are all down the drain. It's not like you're starting over at square one. Not at all. So I really want you to take a second and ask yourself, am I measuring my success in quitting porn by number of days without porn? Or am I measuring my success by the skills that I'm learning that will ultimately help me overcome this habit for good?

This is why in my program we focus on milestones. We don't focus on days without porn, but we focus on, you know, we have these commitment milestones, we have urges milestones, we have all these milestones with different content that's in the program that will teach you these skills that will actually help you quit porn forever, instead of we're just not looking.

Okay, number four. The fourth tip I have for you is to get a vision of who you want to be. Really take advantage of this new year energy surge to visualize and dream about who you want to be. If anything was possible, if you could do anything with your life, what would you choose? What would you have?

I know that can be kind of a scary question for some of you, but I really want you to give yourself permission to go there. And after you give yourself permission to go there, choose to believe that these desires are meant for you.

Really let yourself believe that you will someday have what you really desire. And I promise you, I promise you, I promise you, if you can get there, if you can let yourself imagine it and if you can let yourself believe that you can have it someday, you will. You will have that.

So really take some time, you cannot have what you don't envision for yourself. You always have to create it in your mind first, and then you can create it in reality. So get a vision of your life without porn.

What will you feel? What will that feeling be when you are not struggling with porn? What will you create in place of porn? Stronger relationships? More free time? More money? If you're not spending money on porn, what will you be spending that money on?

And what will you be doing with your time and energy that's not being spent on porn? Remember, pornography doesn't just take up your time, but it also takes up your energy. So what can you create in your life when you have that time and energy back?

And then the last tip, tip number five that I have for you in staying committed to your New Year's goals is to decide to invest in your future self, and not just your current self. And I mean investments in time and investments in money. Many of us are very hesitant to invest our money into our future self, but really quick to invest our money into our current self.

My husband recently found out that I hired another coach for something else that I'm doing in my life. And he kind of snarkily said to me, “You like to spend your money on coaches, don't you?” And I looked at him and I said, “Yes, of course. Of course I like to spend money on coaches because what that is, that's really just investing money in my brain. And my brain is the most valuable asset that I have. And the more I can harness the power of my brain, the more amazing things I create in my life.”

And I said to him, “Do you realize what hiring coaches has done for me and done for our life?” And I went on this whole rant about it. Because I think about, you know, it's only been– How long has it been three or four years since I found coaching? It hasn't been very long.

But just in those four years since finding coaching and hiring coaches and investing in my brain it was able to get me out of all of my buffering and buffering all my time away. It got me out of a lot of mom guilt and a lot of religious shame that I struggled with. It just got me into this state of emotional wellness where I was feeling so much better.

It got me from feeling depressed and unfulfilled most of the time to still struggling with a little bit of depression, but being able to handle my depression and living a very, very fulfilling life even with that. And that's just like the emotional wellness part of it.

Outside of that it's gotten me this amazing business and this amazing work life balance where I feel like I am fulfilling a calling almost by doing this work. It's gotten me this amazing fitness and workout routine where I just feel really good in my body.

And I don't feel good because I'm working out and because I’m eating good, but I feel good because of my thoughts about myself. And because I am having those great thoughts about myself, I am spending time working out and eating good. That's really bettering my physical life.

I've hired business coaches that at first you look and you're like, “That is a lot of money for a business coach.” I’ve been able to 10X that money that I've put into it. Honestly, I told my husband, I said every time I hire a coach, I 10X the speed of my goals. I guarantee that I'm going to hit those goals. So of course, I like to spend my money on my brain and my money on bettering my life through coaching. It's so, so powerful for me.

And I even said this to my sister the other day, I said I have this dream life that I imagined three years ago. So remember step four where I said imagine what your dream life would be? I did that three years ago. And I realized the other day that I have that. And it's 100% because I decided to invest in my future self and not just my current self.

I think back three years ago, like what if I never invested in that? What if I never said I'm all in on creating this life that I want and to feel better emotionally, to stop buffering, to get better at following through with myself. If I never would have done that I would still be where I was three years ago, which wasn't horrible but also it's so much more fun to be here.

I am so grateful to my past self for investing in me right now. It's one of the most loving things that you can do for yourself, is to invest in your future self, not just your current self. I think about the things that we spend money on just because we're supposed to, or it's like much more normalized to spend our money on.

Like cars, think about how much a car is. Or vacations. These things are thousands and thousands of dollars, but they're things that are really normalized to spend our money on and they're things that are temporary. They're things that are just for our current self, but it feels normal, so it feels like it's okay to spend money on it.

But some of you, and I get it because I was here too, when it comes to investing in yourself, specifically when it comes to quitting porn, some of you have a difficult time even spending a fraction of what you'd spend on a car or vacation or these other things for that goal you have in your future self. And so if that's you I really want you to take a moment and ask yourself what is it that I really want? Where do I want to be at the end of the year? And what do I need to do to get there?

My favorite question, my favorite question to ask myself is I imagine that future self of who I want to be, and I ask her, I say, “What do you think that I should do?” And I always get the best answers from her. And of course, if your goal is to quit porn, Overcome Pornography For Good is the best place for you to be.

And so if you've been thinking about it and if you feel like that's the right decision for you, if that's what you want for your life, I want to invite you to come and join this week. And remember, the program price is going up on January 1st. So if you've been on the fence, if you've been wanting to join, make sure to join before January 1st.

And then remember, you get lifetime access to everything. So you get lifetime access to the coaching calls, to all the content, to those milestones. And to any additional trainings, additional workshops, all the updates we're going to be doing next year. All of the additional things I'm going to be adding next year to the program, you just automatically get. You can lock it in at this price if you join before January 1st.

Okay, all right, you guys have a great week. Have a blast with this new year energy. Really take advantage of it and really let yourself soak it all up. Okay, we'll talk to you next week. Bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free training called How to Quit Viewing Pornography Even if You've Tried in the Past. If you like the podcast, you will love this free training. We talk about, number one, how to not rely on willpower or phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

Number two, how to guarantee that you won't fail no matter how many times you've tried in the past. And number three, how to feel good about yourself while becoming someone who doesn't struggle with pornography. You can access this training at sarabrewer.com/masterclass.