Episode 128: What's Possible with Steve

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 128, What’s Possible with Steve.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Sara: Hey guys, welcome to today’s episode. Today we get to meet with Steve. Steve is a member of Overcome Pornography For Good and this is another What’s Possible interview, where he’s going to come and share his story with us. Steve, do you want to say hi?

Steve: Hi, guys. How are you? It’s good to be here, Sara. Thank you so much for inviting me to the podcast. It’s been awesome to just chat with you. It’s been awesome, so thank you so very much.

Sara: Yeah, I’m so, so glad you’re here and I’m excited to hear more about you and your story. So do you want to go ahead and just kind of tell us a little bit about you and your journey quitting porn?

Steve: Yeah. Well, Sara, I live in Fort Worth, Texas. And so I’m down here in the south and it’s pretty warm down there. I know it’s cold up where you’re at, or it has been pretty cold. But I live in Fort Worth and I spent most of my adult life in Fort Worth. I went to college in Missouri. Springfield, Missouri, I went to Bible college there and I studied to be a worship pastor and youth pastor at the time.

Sara: Very cool.

Steve: And I’ve always known what I wanted to do since I got out of high school, but I have been dealing with this thing of porn for my entire life. When I was 12 years old, I used to babysit. My dad was in the military and I used to babysit for a neighbor across the street. They had a little boy and I used to go over there and visit with him. And they’d always have him in bed when I’d get there and I just had to watch him.

But unfortunately, there were magazines at that house and I found them. And that began the spiral for me on the porn in my life. And so I would do that and I would go over there and I was always wanting to go babysit, obviously. And yeah, so it just developed into that habit.

And it wasn’t like I stuck with it. It was off and on with me for a lot of years. And it was something that I would just go for maybe a few weeks and view it and then maybe I’d go for a short time and didn’t view anything. But it was certainly there. It was always that one thing that I knew I shouldn’t be doing that I hid from my parents and I hid from all my friends and everyone else.

And I grew up in a very Christian home and so that’s one thing you just didn’t talk about, one thing you didn’t do, right? And so I lived with that. And so I grew up as a teenager off and on, off and on. It wasn’t something that was constant, but as I got older it began to take more of a grip on me. And even when I went to high school I struggled with it.

When I went to college I was going into the ministry and there was no way I could have this in my life then. So I used willpower, I mean lots of willpower from viewing porn. I mean, I would struggle with it, it was difficult for me. And my witching hour is around 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and so that was very difficult for me. I’d wake up and it was very difficult.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: But I willpowered my way through. I couldn’t do this and go to Bible college and be a minister, there was no way. It was off and on and off and on. I struggled with it, struggled with it, struggled with it. Then when I went into ministry, having a new child, a new baby and a new ministry and a new marriage, it took my life on a spiral and I began to view it more often.

And I hid it. I hid it from everyone, never told anyone and struggled with it. Willpowered my way through and I’d stop for a little while and then I’d start up again and I never could rid myself of it. And fast forward to today, I still struggle with it.

And last November I went to my son’s wedding and I was in a hotel room with my wife and I was viewing porn early in the morning and my wife woke up and found me doing it. And it just devastated her. She kind of knew I had an issue with it, but she didn’t know to what extent and it all came out right then and it just leveled our marriage.

I mean, leveled it. And I found myself looking straight up from the floor and looking straight up to God and looking straight up, I was desperate. I had to do something and I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t have an idea, didn’t have a clue.

Sara: You’d been trying for forever.

Steve: Forever.

Sara: You’d been working your butt off, just like so, so much effort.

Steve: Yep. And, Sara, effort is not even the word. It was work, work, work. I couldn’t master it, I couldn’t get control of it. It always captivated me, it always took me captive. Every single time I turned around. It was like chains wrapped around me and I couldn’t break those chains.

And so this happened with my wife and we were about four hours away from our home and it was the longest four hours of my life. There were no words between us. We didn’t talk at all. All I could do was think and my brain went crazy. And I just kept thinking, I’ve got to find a way. I’ve got to find a way. I’ve got to find a way. I’ve got to get through this. I’ve got to find a way to master this. I’ve got to find a way to conquer this thing that has such a grip in my life.

And Carol didn’t have much to say at all. She just didn’t have much to say at all about it. She was like, you know, buddy, this is not something I want in my life, not something I want in our marriage and I’m not going to tolerate it. That was her attitude. I can’t say I blame her. I really can’t. And I don’t blame her to this day for anything. She responded exactly the way I would think she should have responded.

And it was difficult. It was hard, Sara. It was so hard. And I just cried that day, so many tears came out. And it was a very difficult day in my life, probably a very defining moment. You know you have those times in your life that are defining moments, this was one of them.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: At this point I knew what I thought, who I was had to change. And it had to change fast and quick or I wouldn’t be able to survive my marriage. I wouldn’t be able to survive the loss of children, my grandchildren, and my family. I had to figure out a way. And I didn’t know where to turn. And so I just prayed and I said, God, you know where I’m at. And that’s when you came involved.

I just found you haphazardly looking on Google searches and there was Sara Brewer Coaching. And I read a little bit about your coaching and a little about what you did. And especially when you said that I could quit porn forever and not have to come back to it, how can I do that, Sara? I’ve been doing that my whole life and kept coming back to it. How can I make that happen?

You had to have something special. You had to have something I didn’t know. You had to have something that was new to me that I didn’t know the tool that I would need to make this happen. So I said this is a no brainer, I’ve got to get involved in this program. So I did, I got it right away, got involved.

And I started going through all of the milestones. And I worked through milestones, I was so intrigued by the work and so intrigued by the videos. And what I loved about the videos is they weren’t long, they were short videos. And that’s what made it so appealing, they were short but yet packed full of information. And I would take notes on everything, Sara. Notes on every video. I mean, I wrote them down, I almost transcribed every video you have because I wanted to –

Sara: You have to pay for that, let’s insert that there.

Steve: But I had to have it in my mind, I had to put it in there. And the best way I knew how to do it was write it down so I could reread it and go over it again. And I’ve gone through many of the videos several times. But I’ve got through module after module and some of the best modules were the ones that you have about learn and move on.

I was intrigued by that because I thought, oh, I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to slip up. I needed a tool to where if I slipped up, I could move on. That was powerful for me. And I know it has to be powerful to other people because you don’t have confidence in yourself, right?

Sara: Right, I talk about that. I talk about learning how to trust yourself and how we have to get there. But it takes time to get there. It takes time to trust yourself, and that’s what the learn and move on tool is for.

Steve: Yeah, and trust is the one thing that speeds up relationships or slows relationships way down.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: And I had a relationship with myself that I had to get trust with, right? So I didn’t know any other way to do it but to just jump in. Dive in and jump and just spread my wings and build my wings on the way down. That’s all I knew how to do. And so I just began pursuing every module, every podcast. I would listen to it on my way home from work, I’d listen to it on my way to work, I would listen to and write things down.

I was serious. I was willing to be serious. I was willing to do things that maybe other people weren’t willing to do to maybe get what I could get that other people would never get, if that makes sense.

Sara: Yeah. And as I’m hearing you talk, that’s the difference between someone who really gets what they want, gets the result and someone who doesn’t, is when they’re just like it doesn’t matter how long it takes, I’m willing to do it. It doesn’t matter what I need to do, I’m willing to do it. I’m willing to mess up and to learn. And it sounds like that turning point for you in that hotel with your wife was that.

Steve: It was. It was a huge turning point. It was, like I said, a defining moment for me. And I’ll get to a point in a minute that is fascinating, too. And I’ll share that with you in a second because it’s part of the story here. But I think some of the things that really helped me, you know, people want to know, okay, what did you do, right?

If you were successful, they always want to know what you did, what you did. But my question to you is, are you willing to put in the work that I did to get where I’m at, right? That’s the question. But the tools that you have is what gave me the confidence to put in the work, because I didn’t have tools before.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: I was just willpower. I was just I have to get through it, I have to get through. I’d just willpower my way through it, just push my way through it. But it was the tools that you had that gave me that confidence to move forward. And I think the very first thing, one of the very first tools that just got my attention was the model, the CTFAR. The model, the circumstance, the thought, the feeling, the emotion, the actions and the results. That made sense to me.

But what made even more sense to me, Sara, was this. I came from a biblical based background so I knew a little bit about the word. And I knew that our mind is really where the battlefield of our life is lots of times. And that’s what I love about what you do and what your coaches do, is the teachings you have about our mind and our brain and how our brain works and how our brain functions really the way it’s supposed to function.

But we have the choice to control that. We think sometimes we don’t, but we do. And I thought if I could hold captive the thought and process the thought before it becomes really the feeling or the emotion, then I wouldn’t have to deal with an action or a result.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: Does that make sense?

Sara: Yeah. Let me just hop in here to say for people, the model, what you’re talking about, the CTFAR, the idea here is your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, your actions create your results. So what we want to look at is the thoughts. If we’re having problems, whatever is going on, the thoughts are the root of it.

Steve: Absolutely. If I could hold captive that thought and process the thought through stop, drop and breathe, or through just holding myself accountable and watching it, being outside of the thought and watching, why am I behaving this way? Asking those questions. If I could hold captive that thought, and eliminate it.

And I would tell myself I remember hearing you in one of your milestones say, when a thought comes into your mind, hey, I love you, thought. You’re part of who I am. But you don’t belong here right now. And I remember those words that you said, I don’t know if you do remember them, but I do, of those words that you said, that I can say those same words and I can believe that same thing.

And so I began doing that and I would process the thought. Anytime a thought would come into my mind, I would just process that thought, right?

Sara: Good.

Steve: Instead of having to worry about the feeling of the emotional piece or why I was feeling bad about it, why I would buffer it. I didn’t have to deal with that if I could just make sure I could process the thought. So I did. And I’d stop, I’d drop, I’d breathe, I’d watch outside my thoughts. I would watch the thought, not necessarily be in the thought, but watch it from a distance. Does that make sense?

And doing that, it helped me realize that I could control my thinking. I didn’t have to be my thinking, I could control my thoughts. And so if I didn’t have to be it, then I didn’t have to identify with it.

Sara: So good.

Steve: Right?

Sara: So good. 

Steve: Yeah, so by not being it, I don’t have to identify with it, therefore the shame is not who I am. Shame is that I am this way. I did something and it’s wrong and that’s who I am. That is not who I am. And really, because of my biblical background I know the worth that I have in Christ, I know the worth He gives me because of the price He paid for me and for my sin. I knew that, I grew up with that, I understood that.

And for folks who have maybe a different background from me, this is why the thought processes work. That’s why the tools work. Now, you cover that with having a biblical teaching and it sped the process up for me. Does that make sense?

Sara: Yeah. Yeah, you have this inherent belief that you’re just worthy and good.

Steve: I do.

Sara: And the thing that was holding you back from really feeling that and really feeling that peace in Christ or really feeling that worth were the thoughts that were getting in the way.

Steve: Yes. Yes. Oh, yes, that’s it.

Sara: Yeah. That’s something that I love to work with and teach people who their relationship with God is really important to them. What’s holding you back from that is not your sin. What’s holding you back from that is the way you’re thinking about yourself.

Steve: It’s so true. It’s not the sin.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: Sin is sin, it could be porn or it could be stealing. It could be anything, it’s sin. We’re worthy. We’re worthy in Christ because of what God’s son has done for us. And I knew that. But here’s the thing, here’s where the work came in. So I could process, and I’ll be honest with you, Sara, I processed dozens of thoughts a day. Even at work I would process.

I’ll be honest, I started to keep a journal of processing urges. But once I got to 50 or 60 I said there’s just too many. I was processing them all the time and I didn’t have time to write everything down all the time. So I know I processed dozens and dozens of thoughts a day in the early parts of this, but it was work, right? There was work involved. I had to be aware.

The awareness changed in me. I had to be aware, that’s what I was working on, that’s what I was doing. And there was that river of misery, I’ll be honest, during that process. Oh my gosh, I fought it. But the cool thing about it was the thought, changing the thought, I didn’t have to fight very long. I didn’t have to feel that pressure very long because the thoughts would, you know, if I processed a thought, before I knew it I was thinking about something else, maybe related to work or related to an activity I needed to go do or something else I was working on.

Sara: So good. I’m just going to keep interrupting you because –

Steve: No, please do, anytime.

Sara: But I love how you also separate processing the urge and processing the thought. Because I think a lot of people think that to process it’s like once you feel it really, really strong. But no, when you start to notice yourself thinking things that are going to create urges, you start up there.

Steve: Yes.

Sara: Yeah, and then you watch yourself think and then you become the observer, like you just talked about. And then it just, it moves on.

Steve: It changes the dynamics immediately. For me it changed the dynamics immediately. And I know people will say, “Oh, this sounds so easy for you.” But I’m telling you, Sara, it was work. It was hard work.

Sara: Yeah. And I love that you keep saying that because I can feel it. Like how much work and hard work and like almost it’s like kind of a grind for a little bit, right?

Steve: Oh, yes. That’s that river of misery. It is the grind of putting it out there and making yourself vulnerable enough to process those things, those thoughts that you have. But it made so much sense, why not catch it and hold captive the thought before it ever becomes anything else?  And the tools work processing a thought as much as it does processing an urge.

Sara: Totally.

Steve: The urge is just a little bit, I guess an urge is just a little bit deeper than a thought. Not deeper but, you might help me with the word here. It comes after the thought.

Sara: Yeah. Yeah, it’s the feeling part and so it’s the emotional part. And so a lot of times, you know, sometimes people don’t have the awareness to catch the thought before it comes. And so we’ve got to do the work in the feelings. But then, yeah, processing the thoughts.

And I work on this with people, even if that’s just, I’m having thoughts to scroll social media and I kind of know what I’m going to find when I’m looking for stuff. We’re going to process that urge or thought to scroll social media. You’re walking down the beach and you see someone in a bikini and you have a thought, you’re just going to process that thought. Instead of making it a big deal and pushing it away, we’re just going to process that thought and move on.

Steve: That’s exactly it. Well said, it’s exactly what I did. Because I had those things at work, I would see a beautiful woman or something and I would, yeah, I would process. Or just thoughts about past porn viewing that I saw, just those things. I mean, yeah, processing that thing at the thought level, that’s where it made a difference for me.

But here is where the work came involved. Now, I’ve talked about the work, but something that you taught, and I knew this going in, but something that you taught that reminded me was the compounding effect of consistency. You cannot express that. If there’s one thing that will help people overcome the habit, it’s the compounding effect of consistency. Because, Sara, you never become good at anything in life unless you’re consistent with it, right?

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: You have to be consistent with it. If you want to be an expert at something, you have to do it over and over and over and over and over and over.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: And I knew that because I had lots of successes and accomplishments during porn, when I was viewing porn and when I wasn’t viewing porn. I had success and I knew that you had to be consistent. But this thing, I had to be consistent with moment by moment. For me it was a moment by moment thing. When something would come into my mind, I would process it immediately.

I would use the techniques, the tools that you taught me. I would process it immediately. I’d process it with the stop, drop and breathe, I’d process it with just, I even processed my beliefs about it, right? My beliefs about myself, right? Because your beliefs are huge. They’re everything that you grew up with by your programmers. You believe by what you are, by the programmers that you have when you grow up, right?

And I had a really strong, good, solid belief system in my life, I really did. But through the years, the adversary would tell me, “No, you’re not that. You’re not really that. You’re this. This is what you really are.” And I would believe that. So I’d have to process what I thought.

So I used the tools. Is it true? No. No, that’s not true. I’m not that because God told me I’m something different. Was I willing to be wrong? You know what? Yeah, I’m willing to be wrong about that. I’m willing to be wrong about how I believe about myself, absolutely. And asking myself just those questions in my belief system made a huge difference.

Sara: Yeah. Do you remember a specific belief that you really had to work through and work on?

Steve: Yeah. I mean, yeah. I had to really change the belief system of was I going to be a porn addict my whole life.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: Because I couldn’t conquer it. I had to be willing to change that. Was I a porn addict? Now, I changed the belief system of being an addict. And I was even challenged on that, even by my wife and by other people. I have an accountability partner, that was another thing that we might get into, which is a man that’s amazing. An amazing man to me. And I was challenged by that.

But I remember the teachings about habit. And I started to change the belief of that. Science can’t really prove that it’s an addiction, but I can see that it would be a habit. So I was willing to be wrong about what I thought about sex being an addiction.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: And I had asked myself, is it true? Well, I feel if I was an addict, I wouldn’t be able to stop and start and stop and start for any length or period of time if I was really an addict at it. If I was an addict, if I was an addict with drugs, I couldn’t necessarily stop having drugs.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: It would be something that you’d have to have and you’d steal for and your whole life would change because of it. Now, I do know that there are people’s lives who it has affected their work and it has affected different parts of their life.

Sara: Yeah, it’s a little more all-encompassing.

Steve: A little more encompassing. But I was willing to believe the change that this was a habit for me. Which made me feel like, okay, I can overcome a habit. It really gave me that confidence that I could overcome a habit, I mean, on the top level surface.

Now, knowing I had to do all the work for it, I didn’t really realize how much work it would be. But I was willing to believe that I could have whatever I wanted, I was willing to give up the idea that I couldn’t have it.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: Right?

Sara: Yes. I forgot about that line.

Steve: Yeah, I learned that from you and the program.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: And the crazy thing is, I believe that. So that’s part of the belief system I had to change in me. And it has added so much addition to my life. Just that one phrase has added so many different things to my life. But the power of consistency and doing it over. So I’d get in the car, put on a podcast every day, and listen to podcasts coming home. I listened to all of them. Every one of them. I think there’s 117 of them, I listened to every one of them.

Sara: Oh wow.

Steve: Yeah, every one of them. And I’d come home and work on the modules or the milestones. And I would go through all the extra supplement material you have. And I’ll tell you who was a big help, Quinn. Oh, I love Quinn.

Sara: Oh, he’s awesome.

Steve: I love Quinn. Quinn and I really got a great relationship going. And I don’t get to always be on all of Quinn’s group sessions, but I get to make them often enough that we talk and we share. And the guys there, Sara, it’s amazing. Just know that Quinn’s doing amazing work.

Sara: Oh, I’m going to tell him you said that.

Steve: These guys love him. And I’ve seen him grow too. I’ve seen more guys come on and it’s just really, really amazing. And Quinn’s doing great work. And Quinn and I have really developed a strong relationship and I really love him. And he’s a great man. He is a great man and he’s doing such good work for Sara Brewer Coaching, I just want you to know that. 

Sara: Thank you. I’m going to let people know who he is. So Quinn, we actually did a What’s Possible interview with him last year. And he quit porn at, I think, 63. And he’s retired and he became a life coach and he’s done all sorts of numbers of training and we started having him do support groups in the program, so he does that every week. And he’s also just starting to take some one on one clients in the program. So we love Quinn, he’s awesome.

Steve: He is, he’s amazing. And anybody can coach with Quinn, he’s just a great guy. He’s been there for me and I’ve talked to him a few times on one on one and we’ve talked several times, of course, in the group coaching. And he just does an amazing job.

And I would do those, I would get on and listen to the other coaches. I’d go through all the different recordings and I’d listen to all the other coaches that you have, and listen to the coaches that were – I can’t remember her name off the top of my head, but she coaches, the folks that do not view pornography, the partner that doesn’t view pornography.

Sara: Oh, Lindsay.

Steve: Lindsay. Yes, Lindsay. Great, great coaching from her. Amazing coaching. I got some really cool things from her. And so I just did that. I stayed on that. I just continued to put that stuff in my brain, always. And so what began to happen is my brain began to change. Isn’t that what we teach? Isn’t that what you teach?

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: My brain began to change.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: And my thinking began to change. But let me tell you about something that happened not long ago, probably about two or three weeks ago.

So I’m laying in bed. My wife gets up and goes to the bathroom and I’m laying in bed. The television was left on. We don’t typically do that, but the television was left on. And so I happened to wake up. She got out of bed to go to the bathroom, I happened to wake up and a TV program was on.

It wasn’t something that I turned on to view porn or anything like that but was a TV program. It was early in the morning, two or three o’clock in the morning and it was probably one that came on a network that shows more, I guess, sexual scenes.

Sara: Adult content.

Steve: Adult content, yeah. Thank you, that’s a good way to put it, more adult content. And it just happened to come on and I didn’t really do anything for it to happen, but it caught my attention. And so this was on, a particular scene was on and my wife walked in the bedroom.

Sara: Oh no.

Steve: She’s like, what are you doing? And, man, she went straight to the other room and I didn’t see her the next day. And it was like I was set up. The adversary almost, you know? That’s how I felt. I said, man, I just got set up and it’s not fair.

But God taught me something through that because I prayed a prayer and asked for God’s hand of protection upon me several months ago. And He told me, He said, hey, you asked for my protection so I’m going to give it to you. And I’m going to give it to you in a harsh way, but I’m going to give it to you.

And so I explained that to Carol and shared with her what I had experienced, she understood. Because she doesn’t know why she got up. She doesn’t know why she came in there. She just came in at the wrong time, at the right time, whatever, God’s timing. And so thank goodness that she believed that and thank goodness that God put that in her heart because that made a huge difference. But it was like I was being – So, yeah.

Sara: It sounds like a good exercise of trust from both of you.

Steve: It was, it really was. It was a good exercise. She knows I’ve been trying, she knows. Now is she totally 100% convinced? I don’t think so quite yet.

Sara: She’s getting there.

Steve: She’s getting there. She is, she’s getting there. But that’s okay. That’s okay. It really is okay.

Sara: I love that. I love the grace that you have for her and I love the grace that she has for you. Because like you said, it’s really hard on that other side of experiencing the betrayal trauma. And it’s okay if it takes time for her to fully trust again. And that doesn’t mean that she’s never going to and that doesn’t mean you’re not going to be able to repair.

Steve: You’re exactly right, and to be honest with you, I didn’t think it would ever happen.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: But this was the crazy thing about it. So she started to ask me, well, how are you doing this? What are some of the tools you’re using and things like that? I said, okay, I’ll tell you what they are. So I would tell her what the tools are. So the other day I got a text message from her. She goes, I’ve been trying some of those tools. She said, I’m just not getting it because I’m trying to process some thoughts out of my mind. I’m like, oh, she’s starting to try it.

Sara: Cool.

Steve: And that was like, thank you, God, for that. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. She’s starting to try it in areas of her life because this tool, all these tools don’t just work with porn.

Sara: No way.

Steve: Every area of your life it works.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: So yeah. So, yeah, has it been work? Has it been tough? Yeah, it’s been really tough. But right now this has been the fifth or sixth month that I haven’t viewed porn and I’m so happy. Because here’s why, here’s the confidence I have. I got tools from Sarah Brewer coaching that’s going to help me process. And if I have a slip up, okay, I have one. I got the tools to learn and move on.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: And I’m just like, that’s so exciting because it’s confidence. I didn’t have to always live with this. Am I never going to see another scene? I probably will, that’s just the way the world is today. You’re going to see those things, sexual scenes and things like that. But I can process them now. I have the tools to work through them, where I didn’t before. I would just fall captive to it.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: And I just thank God for Sara. I thank God for you so much and thank God for your program and your coaches. Wow, it’s been a life changing event for me. It really has. And the cool things that are happening in my life now are a result of the reasons why I put in the work to make that all happen. And the results are happening even for me now, so in different ways manifesting themselves.

Sara: Yeah, beautiful. Wow, thank you so much for sharing. And congratulations on all the work that you’ve done. And I love how you reiterate that over and over again, that this was work. This was hard. And it’s been a while since I think I’ve talked about that on the podcast, some of my earlier episodes we talked about that a lot.

But I really appreciate you bringing that up because that’s okay, too. As humans we do hard work all the time. And if you can do the hard work with some trust that the process is actually going to work, then you don’t get so discouraged.

Steve: Right. And we don’t really know that going into it, is this really going to work for me? You don’t really, but you’ve got to at least try it. You’ve got to see. You’ve got to at least try it. And not just one time. Try it over and try it over and try it over and try it. And then if you can’t seem to, get on a coaching call, talk to somebody.

But it does work, I’m evidence of that. Do I have the confidence that I will continue to be porn free? Yes, I do. I know that I can because I have the tools that I need to work through it.

Sara: And what I love about that, too, is it’s like the energy there. It isn’t like I’m so scared that I’m going to slip up sometime in the future. It’s not that at all.

Steve: Not at all. It’s possible, I could. But I don’t fear it.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: I don’t have any fear about it. First of all, the reason why is I know my worthiness in Christ. And second of all, because I have tools in my tool belt. And a lot of the tools that you have are, in my opinion, biblical-based. And so I know right where to find them and so I know how to go from there. Paul says, keep every thought captive, and I have those tools. I didn’t know those tools before or I didn’t know how to apply them.

Sara: Yeah. Yeah, I love that. I love that. I think it’s, yeah, because I’ll have my clients who are Muslim or other religions too come in and say this just feels like truth and this really fits in my belief system.

Steve: Yes. It is truth, it is. It’s so much truth.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, I just am so excited about where my life is heading. And I have so much – And am I going to get out of the program and just stop? No, no, no, no, no. I’m staying in the program. I’m going to just continue to work on my tools. I’m going to continue to get on the calls with Quinn.

And I’m going to continue to process because I know there’s other people out there that may not have experienced at the level I’ve experienced, and it’s happened to me in a relatively short time. And I want so much to give to them that it is possible and that I’m a result of that possibility. And I want them to experience that, that whatever I can do to help anyone, if it’s just one little, tiny thing that I might say or one little experience that I went through that helps them, then that’s what I want to take place.

I want that to happen because the possibilities to live your life free of porn are certainly within your grasp, within your reach. All you have to do is decide. And that commitment thing you talk about in the commitment milestone. It’s a decision, Sara. Commitment is a decision. I decided to do that and that’s what I’m going to do. And that’s what I’ve decided and that’s become my commitment in my life, it’s part of my life. 

Sara: That’s the biggest difference I see. Once you learn the tools and you know the tool that works, it’s just how committed are you? And sometimes it takes people a while to get there because they’re not sure why they’re quitting porn or if it’s important to them. They’re just there because they’ve been told that they should quit. But once you can really get that for yourself and be all in, that’s that.

Steve: I love that. I love that, be all in. I just love that because that’s so true. That is the whole premise behind it. That’s what your commitment is, is to be all in and to just decide that this is what I want and I can have it. I just have to do the work to make it happen. And am I really willing to work that hard? Because it’s work.

Sara: Yes, so good. Yeah.

Steve: It is work.

Sara: Thank you for continuing to reiterate that. Yes, that river of misery is a real thing.

Steve: A real thing. It’s a very real thing. And you cross it, here’s the cool thing, you do these small little wins in your life, they stack and they multiply. And when you stack and multiply little wins, your confidence builds, right? It builds up and over. And all of a sudden you’re at a level of confidence where you’re like, I know I can do this. I know this is within my grasp. I know I’m only a short distance, and only one decision away from making it a reality.

And it is every step of the way. And it’s all about that thought work. Your mind, that’s where the battle is. The battle for today’s world is in your mind, and I believe that. And your program has taught me that so much. It’s just amazing.

Sara: So good. Thank you so much. I have one question I want to ask. What do you think, and you told me at the beginning, you said I have a little story about your podcast. And so maybe this fits along here, but what do you think is possible for you now as a result of going through the program and quitting porn?

Steve: So it kind of goes with the thought we talked about a few minutes ago, that you can have anything you want if you’re willing to give up the idea you can’t have it, right? That resonated with me. I was like, I have been fighting this my whole life. I can actually have this if I really am willing to give up the idea that I can’t.

So I decided, decision, commitment, I’m going to have it. So if I can come through a life thing of porn, whatever it is you want to call it, if I can work through that and become successful at that, that’s hard to do. That’s a difficult thing to do. I don’t think people understand that are not involved in it, it’s as hard as it is. But it’s very, very difficult to come through.

Sara: So hard.

Steve: It’s so hard. But if I could do that, I could do anything. I simply could do anything. So what has happened for me, a lot of really cool results have happened in different things. Like I said, I started praying a prayer that I wanted God to really expand my territory with my business and expand my influence with people.

I prayed that prayer, those very words. And I asked for his protection. And I asked for his presence. And I asked for his blessing upon all people that I come upon. So I am, and this part you don’t know about me, I’ll just tell everyone. But I am a certified speaker, coach and trainer for leadership.

Sara: Oh nice.

Steve: Yeah, I’ve been doing that for about three or four years now. And I have a webinar that I do every couple of weeks with a co-host of mine. And just recently I got contacted by a radio show that wants to invest in putting myself and my co-host on the radio to talk about personal growth and leadership.

Sara: What?

Steve: Yeah. And I’m telling you, I would have never had done that, Sara, if I could not have got through this. Because even though the opportunity would have been there, I would have never believed I could do it.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: So this is an international radio show, it’s going to reach millions of people in 40 countries. And it’s all about personal growth and leadership. And personal growth has been a big thing for me. I just couldn’t get over this one area of my life until I met Sara Brewer and her coaching. And God gave me that and said, okay, you do the work, I’ll make the way. And that’s what has begun to happen.

Sara: I am just grinning from ear to ear because I’m so excited for you and so happy for you.

Steve: Not everybody knows my story, Sara. But I’m at the point in my life where I don’t care who knows my story. If it’s going to help someone, pour it out there. I want to be a river, not a reservoir.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: I want to put out that information of what tools I’ve used to help me overcome this. I want to put that out, I don’t want to hold it in. I want to give it out. And I want to be the reservoir, I mean, be the river, not the reservoir. And we’ll get through that river of misery. We really will.

Sara: Yeah. And all these tools that you’ve learned to quit porn, they just apply so well with whatever business goals. Like all of the thought work, all the identity work, but then even just the processing of emotion. Like I’m terrified, what am I going to do? I’m going to breathe through this and keep going.

Steve: Well, I’ve never done this, Sara. I’ve never been on radio before. I mean, I’m out of my comfort zone, but that’s where life begins is really out of the comfort zone. And that’s the thing with porn too.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: Once you get out of your comfort zone and get into that river of misery and start doing the work, that’s where your life begins. It’s on the other side of saying yes, guys, folks. It’s on the other side of saying yes. And then these are amazing things that’s began to happen for me. And I’m sometimes thinking, God, I don’t deserve this. But yet he tells me, yeah, you do because you’re in me. You do deserve it.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: And it’s just amazing, Sara. 

Sara: And when it becomes about other people, too, it’s a lot easier, right? Because I get that way sometimes too. Like a little bit of impostor syndrome, or like, am I good enough? Why is this so successful? Why am I helping so many? You know, or whatever, like, why is this so big? It’s like, it’s not about you. It’s about all these people who just need what you’re saying.

Steve: That’s exactly what it is. And even when I do public speaking and I’m out there talking to a group of people, I have to often remind myself, this is not about you, Steven, it’s not about you at all. You just give out the information, it’s about them. And that calms me down.

That process calms me down and I begin to think, oh, this is about others. This is not about me. Some will, some won’t, so what? It’ll reach somebody. And if it reaches one person and helps them change their life, is that not worth it? It is to me.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: It’s worth it to me. However I can help some person, someone, help them come through what I’ve come through, that’s important.

Sara: And the ripple effect is going to be big too. So you help one person and then they take what you taught them and they help another person. And it just ripples and ripples and ripples and ripples. And we’re all just connected, this big body of water just rippling and impacting each other and helping each other. And it’s just a really beautiful thing. It’s beautiful to be human. It’s beautiful to be alive.

Steve: It is. I tell you what, God sure knew what he was doing. I tell you what, he sure knew what he was doing. Even with all of the things that we do in our life, all the sin that we have in our life, he’s provided such a way. And I have to give the glory to Him, I can’t take any of it. I did the work. Okay, so what? But he’s the one that I give the glory to, because if I didn’t have his worth and the feeling I have about myself, this would be very difficult.

And everyone has that. I mean people may not believe exactly the way I do, and that’s okay. But if there’s a higher power, if you have a higher feeling about who you are, you can do this. You can make this happen.

Sara: Yeah. I love that you say that because that is so key there, isn’t it? And I love your story because it really shows if you have that sense of worth, that inherent sense of worth that for so many people is so wounded, if you have that, you’re going to be okay and you’re going to figure this out.

Steve: You will. You will. Now the question is, if I don’t have it, how do I get it? That’s where your belief system changes. And that’s where you have to, what you taught me is if you want to change your belief about how you feel about something, you have to have a new thought. You have to have a new idea of what you want to be.

So the question is, do you think you’re worthy? If you don’t think you’re worthy, then you need to find a belief system where you can be worthy.

Sara: Yes, yep.

Steve: You have to, whether it’s – Go ahead.

Sara: I was just thinking, wherever that is and you need to find evidence for that. And so you can find evidence for that within your current belief system too. You’re going to find evidence for what you believe. If you think you’re not good enough, you’re going to find evidence for that in the Bible. If you think you are worthy and you are good enough, you’re also going to find evidence for that in the Bible.

Steve: Absolutely, it’s all there. It’s all there and it’s inherent, really, in most religions the same way. It’s really there. I mean it’s all about goodness.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: And it’s about goodness in people’s lives. And people inherently want to be good, I really believe that. I think that the things that take their mind captive, it just makes them behave the way they behave. So if you could get people to learn to change that thought, then their lives would change.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: And that’s what it did for me. That’s exactly what it did for me. And it can happen for anyone. And if anybody like me could do this, guy’s, fighting it since I was 12 years old, I’m 65 years old. If I can do this, anybody can do this. Anybody can. And I just believe that.

And if you see people, and it’s really crazy, but if you actually see people, who they can be instead of who you think they are, it changes the belief in themselves. I see you as a 10. Whether you see yourself as a 10 or not, I see you there. And then all of a sudden maybe I am. It could happen just in the person, right? Or someone you know in a relationship.

Sara: You saying that is inspiring and making me want to just go out to everyone I know and say, “You are a 10. Don’t you see?” Like, shake them. “Listen to me.”

Steve: You are. You are a 10. I believe that you are, whether you believe it or not, I believe that you are because inherently you are. It’s how you think about yourself that makes you have the belief that you’re not.

Sara: Yes. Yep, that worthiness, your worth is just there. And no matter what we tell ourselves or what we’re grown up taught or the beliefs that mess with that, that’s all lies. And the truth is that you just are worthy. And let’s get back to that truth and let’s start believing that truth again. That’ll change everything for you.

Steve: Yeah. The Lies of the adversary are devastating.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: We have to learn not to believe them.

Sara: Yeah. Did you ever watch my shame and spirituality?

Steve: Sure did.

Sara: I feel like that one might have been, like I think I might have talked more specifically about some LDS things in that.

Steve: It’s all relative, though. Every bit of it is relative to everything. I mean, it made so much sense and it was so right. It’s really about the truth, because truth is really the most powerful weapon we have against the enemy, right? Truth.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: It really is. That’s why we have to ask ourselves that question. And our thoughts, and am I willing to be wrong?

Sara: Yes, is it true?

Steve: Those are powerful statements, Sara.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, it’s a powerful statement. It really is. And that’s what got me through on days that were difficult. I mean, there were other days that were harder than others. But when I asked myself that question, the way I’m really feeling, is it true about this thought? And no, it’s not necessarily true. And that was the way I fought the adversary.

I honestly didn’t come up with all these really major scriptures backing my evidence up with scriptures, I just believed that that was what was going to happen, and it did.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: Because that’s what the power of God does, right? That’s the power of God in your life.

Sara: Yes.

Steve: I didn’t have all that, and I went to Bible college. I have a theology degree and I didn’t know all the scriptures behind it, why I believed what I did. I just knew that it was true, so I did it.

Sara: Yeah. You can feel it, you can feel the truth.

Steve: You can feel the truth. You sure can, you can feel the truth. And it was a huge thing for me. And I just knew that that’s the way it needed to be. I just knew that I couldn’t have it any other way and be successful.

Sara: Yeah. Well, I love it. Thank you. Steve, thank you so much for coming on to share your story. Is there anything else that you want to say to people who, you know, listeners who want to quit viewing porn?

Steve: I would say that, Sara, we’ve already kind of chatted a little bit about it, but I would say that you have to be consistent with it. You have to compound that consistency over time. It doesn’t happen just immediately. I mean, sure, I believe that miracles can happen and I believe that God is a God of miracles. And some people he could just, he didn’t do that with me. But he wanted me to do the work because he wanted to teach me things through the work that would enhance my life and help me get to other things better than I was at that point.

And so you have to do the work. You’ve got to be consistent because that consistency builds confidence. Those little wins stack on top of each other and that confidence level becomes stronger and stronger and stronger. And just start out small. Don’t try to conquer it all at once. Just start out small and build little wins to help you get there. I don’t care how long it takes. We’re not in a race against time. You’re really not.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: You’re not racing against time, basically you want to get to where you’re better about yourself and how you feel about yourself. So I would just encourage people to do the work. Don’t be afraid of the work. It’s hard, but don’t be afraid of it. Jump in, spread your wings on the way down, and then fly and soar because you will.

You may dive for a while, and that’s okay. But your wings will spread, you will grow and you’ll build that confidence and you’ll get there. And I just think that if people will do that, they can be successful. And I want them to do that. And if I can ever say anything to help anyone, it would be my pleasure to help anyone that I can.

Sara: Thank you.

Steve: Because it’s been a journey, but it’s been worth every bit of it. And I’m still on the journey, Sara. I’m not going to ever stop that journey. Now that I have the tools and everything, I’m never going to stop it. I really enjoy it now. It’s become a joy to learn other things, to use the tools to learn other things about myself and what I can accomplish in life.

That’s where when you say, oh, this is about so much more than porn, I’m thinking, oh yeah, it’s big. It’s really big. And on the other side it’s huge. And guys, ladies, it’s amazing what’s on the other side if you do the work.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: But you’ve got to do the work.

Sara: Yeah. Oh, thank you so much. Okay, so where can people find you? Do you want to give us some information where people can find you or where they can listen to your new show that’s coming up?

Steve: Yeah, the new show goes live in May. I actually do the first recording on May 11th, that’s a recording. But we go live on May 18th. It’s called The Leaders Edge and it’s Your Path to Personal Growth and Leadership with Steve and Ernie. Ernie is my co-host. And Ernie is a lady out of California. Her name is Ernelita and so we call her Ernie. And she’s an amazing, amazing life coach in personal growth. Just an amazing woman.

I teach more on leadership, corporate leadership, and also on leadership just in your own life and leadership to small businesses or whatever. I love to come in and help people teach their leaders principles about leadership. Actually, Ernie and I are both coaches of the Maxwell Leadership, John Maxwell Leadership. And both of us are certified and licensed. So we are so excited. People join in, can listen, it’s called The Leaders Edge. It starts May 18th.

Sara: Yeah, I love it.

Steve: 1pm Central Standard Time.

Sara: Okay, 1pm Central Standard Time, I’m going to have to look it up. I am doing some CEO training and leadership training myself because my business is growing and I’ve got a lot of employees and I’ve got to learn. It’s just, anyways, like you say, it’s just a never ending thing. And so I’ve got to learn some skills here.

Steve: Absolutely. And that’s what amazes me, Sara, is to watch your business grow the way it has. I think that’s so incredible. And I may even want you to come on the show sometime and just tell us a little bit of that experience and what that’s been like.

Sara: Yeah, I love talking business. I sometimes am like, oh, maybe I should just talk business in this podcast. And I’m like, no, this is for people who want to quit porn. But I do love going on and talking business.

Steve: Yeah, well we’ll get you on the show and we’ll talk about it because it’s amazing. We do webinars too. And so we have an amazing guest tonight that I’m excited about, Jeff Henderson, who wrote the book What To Do Next. And I’m just excited about him and it’s really, really going to be good. But when we start The Leader’s Edge, Sara, I’ll get some information to you, see what your time is like, and we’ll see if we can book a time with you. It’d be awesome. That would be so cool.

Sara: That would be fun.

Steve: It would be, to have you on that show. 

Sara: It would be a little switcharoo.

Steve: Yeah, I never really thought about that. That would be perfect because you’re building a business and people need to know out there that you do that. I know you started out small, but I want my business to grow. What kind of things did you do to make your business grow? And how can I apply those things to my business to help my business grow? Those are the kind of things people want to hear.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: And part of that’s your personal growth, right? Because you’re never going to grow, your leadership growth is never going to grow any higher than your personal growth because you’re going to cap it off if you don’t grow higher, right? That’s why you’re taking these classes, CEO classes. Yeah, I mean, that’s why you want to grow, you want to learn.

Sara: Yeah.

Steve: So yeah, let’s do that. That would be amazing. That would be fun.

Sara: Cool. Well, thank you so much for coming on today. I appreciate you sharing your story, it’s going to help so many people. All right, you guys. Have a great week. We’ll talk to you next week. Bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent.

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.