Episode 152: Ask a Coach: When You Slip Up

Hi everyone, welcome to Overcome Pornography For Good. We are currently on a season break, and regular podcasting will resume January 1st. But we are still bringing you brand-new content every single week by sharing an Ask A Coach question and answer from me or from one of the other coaches in Overcome Pornography For Good. 

Ask A Coach is a feature in the program, in our program Overcome Pornography For Good, where you can come and you can submit questions or coaching and get a personalized response from a coach on our team. This is something that when you join you get lifetime access to and you can submit as many questions as you would like. 

You can submit 10 a day, 20 a day, you could come back down the road in three years and submit a question. You’ll always get answers, you’ll always get help and support via our portal through the Ask A Coach function in the program. So you can submit questions. If you’re struggling you can ask for help. You can submit your learn and move-ons or other worksheets. 

And so what we’re doing right now is we are picking and choosing a few of these to answer anonymously, of course, here on the podcast until we pick back up with regular programming on January 1st. And I think you’re going to love it, it’s going to be so helpful and so good. And you get to hear from all the other coaches. 

So before we hop in I do want to talk about a brand-new free resource that I have for you all that’s perfect to announce during this podcast break. It is called the podcast roadmap. What this is, is it’s a roadmap of all of the key podcast episodes. With around 150 episodes, that can feel really overwhelming if you’re new to the podcast. So what we did is we created a roadmap. 

Here’s 12 of the most important episodes to listen to. You can listen to them in order or not, but we have those listed out for you and linked for you and you can sign up for that and get that in your inbox for free at sarabrewer.com/podcastroadmap. No spaces, no dashes, podcast roadmap. 

I really hope that you guys will go and take advantage of this. Even if you’ve been a longtime listener and you’re using this podcast break to maybe catch up on episodes, go and download the podcast roadmap to re-listen to those most important episodes. 

We also have our free masterclass that’s always available if you want just the quick and easy version of how do I quit porn, that’s sarabrewer.com/masterclass. It’s just an hour long, it’ll walk you through the process. It keeps it short and simple. 

And then, of course, we always have our program open. So you can come and join and work with us. You can start getting answers to your Ask A Coach questions, you can come and get coaching. Remember, it’s a lifetime access, so we’ve got the modules and all of the work for you to do in the program, the milestones to complete. 

And then you have lifetime access to coaching calls. We have multiple coaching calls every single week. We have specialized marriage calls, relationship calls, support calls. We have regular coaching calls, which are the ones that I do. We have calls on each individual milestone. Anyways, there’s so much in there. I won’t go into all of those details here, but you can see all the details of the program, sarabrewer.com/workwithme. 

All right, you guys, enjoy these Ask A Coach Q&As. 

Sara: Hey everyone, it’s Sara and I’m going to answer our question for today. I just also want you to know that I have been working on the next season of podcasts. So we’re starting again at the beginning of January-ish and I have some amazing guests and some amazing topics that we’re going to cover. I’m so excited. 

And I hope you all are enjoying these Ask a Coach episodes too, I think they’re so helpful and so useful. And, geez, our whole podcast could just be Ask a Coach question and answer and it would be amazing. 

So here’s today’s question. “When I view pornography in the morning, if I slip up in the morning I struggle the whole day. I view pornography multiple times during the day, it’s like I don’t give myself a reset until the next morning. Can you help me get out of this pattern?” 

So yeah, this is common for a lot of people if they slip up once or if they slip up in the morning. Or maybe it’s like the weekend, if I slip up on Friday or Saturday, then I’m going to start again on Monday. And it stems from a lot of this all or nothing thinking, this all or nothing mindset. I’ve ruined the day, I’ve ruined the weekend, so we’ll just wait until a brand new start in the morning, 

Here’s the thing though, you can have a brand new start every single moment. You can choose again and have a new start in 20 minutes if you want. You don’t have to wait until the next day. We also have to remember that our progress isn’t measured by days without slipping up. This type of mindset usually comes if it’s like I’m trying not to slip up for 30 days in a row or something like that, or it was a good day if I didn’t slip up all day long. 

Instead we want to start measuring progress by the urges that we’re counting, like you all have heard me talk about, or just the skills that we’re learning, the mindfulness skills. And guess what? You can have a successful day and process a bunch of urges even if you slipped up in the morning. You can have a successful day even if you had a hard moment in the middle of the afternoon, it all depends on what you do afterwards and it all depends on how you continue to move forward and practice the skills, even if you didn’t really do it that morning. 

So really, really, really, changing how you’re viewing success and progress. Success and progress is not, did I go today without viewing porn? Success and progress is, how many urges am I processing? How am I learning the skills? How much progress am I making in the program work? You can do that even if you slipped up earlier this morning. 

So you might know these things, you might have heard me say these things, you might get these things intellectually, but in the moment it’s not clicking. And there’s a reason for this and this is common. What’s probably happening is you’re going a little bit offline. So what I mean by offline is another term for this is like flip your lid. If you look at the hand model of the brain, you can go and YouTube a video on that and it explains kind of what I’m sharing here. 

But it’s this idea that when your brain is online, it’s able to think rationally, it’s able to make decisions, it’s able to plan ahead of time and make decisions for your best self. When your brain is offline, that’s usually when you’re really triggered. 

A lot of times these morning slip ups, they trigger a lot of shame and that shame is coming from that lower part of the brain and so we’re not able to think our way out of it. It’s when we’re triggered, it’s when we’re experiencing a trauma response, it’s when we’re just really activated and we’re not able to use that online part of our brain. Our body is really dysregulated. 

And so when this is happening, how you get your brain back online, how you get your lid back on is you only focus on regulation and body work, trying to help your body and your nervous system start to regulate again. You have the power to get it back online. Just because you’ve gone offline or you’re triggered, you feel really dysregulated, you have the power to get it back online. 

It’s going to take practicing some new skills. These are going to be a lot of grounding skills, a lot of grounding techniques. Grounding skills are body movements, it’s potent and novel movements to help your body get back online, get your nervous system regulated again. This can be stuff like exercise, it can be stuff like putting your feet in the grass, in the water and just breathing and feeling into it. 

It can be like meditation. It can be cold showers, ice water. It can be breath work, it’s so powerful. It can be tapping, which we’re going to talk about in a minute. It can be dancing. It can be making noises. It can be playing, all sorts of things like this. 

If you’re in the program, we’ve got videos and worksheets and PDFs on these that will give you more ideas. But I want to give you two specific skills, so that when you are having that moment in the morning, you slipped up and you just want to go binge the rest of the day or just have a rough day the rest of the day, the only thing we’re going to do is focus on these grounding body techniques. 

Okay, the first one is breath. So you’re going to breathe in and then you’re going to breathe out twice as long. So breathing in and out. And when you breathe out, you breathe out twice as long. And then immediately into the next breath. So it’s going to be rolling, you’re not going to pause. When you are about to take another breath you’re not going to pause, you’re just going to roll right into the next one. In and then you’re not going to pause, you’re just going to roll right into the out and breathe out for twice as long. 

Okay, so do a couple of those. And then we’re going to go into tapping. Now, you can find EFT tapping videos on YouTube for anything and they’re really helpful. So what tapping is, is where you take your fingers, and I wish I had video. I wish you guys could see me on video, but you can go look this up on YouTube and see someone doing it on YouTube. 

But you tap these certain acupuncture points on your body. And what this does is it helps stimulate those parts of your body to help your brain get back online. And so what we’re going to do is we’re going to tap these acupuncture points, I’m going to explain what they are and then you’re going to repeat a phrase to yourself to really try to help your body believe these phrases and get back online. 

So here’s what we’re going to do. Okay, number one is you’re going to notice the feeling. So you view porn in the morning and you notice, oh, is it panic? Is it stress? Is it just wanting to shut down? Is it numbing? Is it shame? We’re just going to notice that feeling, find it in our body. Maybe we’re feeling some panic in our chest. 

And then we’re going to repeat this phrase, “Even though I viewed porn, I deeply and completely accept myself. Even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself.” And you can use this for whatever. If this isn’t your certain thing, viewing porn in the morning, whatever that is. Even though I am blank, I deeply accept myself. 

Or if you don’t have a phrase that fits that outline, it can just be as simple as I release and let it go. I release it and let it go. This is going to be really helpful for shame as well, okay? So even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself. 

And so we’re going to repeat that phrase to ourselves and then we’re going to tap these points that I’m going to explain to you. Now, you can go on YouTube and there’s a lot more in-depth stuff, there’s people who are really certified in this method and do really amazing work here. I just have a very, very simple outline that we’re going to use and that I’m going to take you through. I’m just going to keep it simple, okay? 

So the first point is the top of the head. And the second point is between the eyebrows, and then the side of the eye, and then under the eye, and then the chest. Okay, and I’ll repeat that to you as we go through this and you’ll get the hang of it. 

Okay, so we noticed this feeling, we’ve found it. This phrase, even though I viewed porn, I deeply and completely accept myself. So we’re going to tap the top of our head. Tapping the top of our head, even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself. And then breathe, still tapping our head. 

And then we’re going to go in between the eyebrows, tapping in between the eyebrows. Both fingers tapping in between the eyebrows. Even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself. Tapping. And then the side of the eye, both hands, both sides. You can do just one side if you want, I like to do both. Even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself. 

And then under the eye. Even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself. And then your chest. Even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself. And then you’re going to grab your wrist, inhale and exhale twice as long, like we talked about. Inhale and exhale twice as long. 

And then again, tapping the top of your head. Even though I viewed porn this morning, I deeply and completely accept myself. And then between the eyebrows. And then the side of the eye. And then under the eye. And then the chest. So it’s those five points, and then we’re going to grab our wrist and breathe. 

So this might sound funny, this might feel funny to do, but it works. It’s amazing. You’re going to be amazed at what this does for you. What this is doing is tapping those pressure points, those acupuncture points, helping your brain and body get back online, helping you to get to a state where you’re able to make conscious good decisions without just being, you know, your lid being flipped. 

It’s going to be really, really awesome, a total game-changer for you. And this is all I want you to focus on, okay? You view porn in the morning and then we’re going to focus on grounding and regulating your body. You do it through this breath and this tapping that I’ve taught you and then use any other grounding techniques that you might want to use, some of the ones that I mentioned before; exercise, meditation, laying in the grass, cold showers, baths, workouts. 

Google grounding things and you can find a whole bunch of ideas. But we’re focusing on the body, we’re focusing on that nervous system, helping our nervous system to feel safe and good and calm. And then we’re going to be able to make good decisions moving forward. 

Okay, you guys, hopefully that was helpful. We’ll talk to you next week. Bye bye. 

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography. 

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent. 

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.