Episode 169: Developing Personal Spiritual Authority

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast, Developing Personal Spiritual Authority.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Hey, you guys, welcome to today’s podcast episode. So glad to have you. I’m excited to talk about this topic today, and we’re just going to hop right in. This is something that comes up a lot when we’re coaching, a lot around just the topic of pornography and anything in the realm of sexuality, it comes up a ton.

What we see a lot, which I completely, completely understand and is a normal thing to do, is people will come to me wondering about their specific religion and their specific religion’s doctrine or their specific church’s opinion on everything, if it’s right, if it’s wrong. Well, this is what I’m feeling. This is what I’m believing. This is working for me, but is it okay? What does my church think about this?

This could be everything in the realms of what type of sex is okay to have with my spouse. Is it okay to masturbate? Anything, anything along these lines. Even is it okay for me to not use an addiction model when I’m trying to quit porn? Which we don’t teach, which doesn’t work. And some churches have really clear stances on specific things, others won’t.

What you’ll find is that your leaders in your church, whatever congregation that you’re attending, they’re all going to have different sorts of opinions and you just don’t always know what you’re going to get.

So again, this specifically in the sexual realm this comes up a lot. Sexual decisions around what types of sex to have, if masturbation is okay, how far is too far with your boyfriend or girlfriend before marriage? And it’s really exhausting and it’s really defeating to just spin in that space of “what is okay?” What does my church say is okay? What does my church say is okay when we’re trying to figure out what your church’s opinion is, especially if it changes from person to person and especially if they teach something different now than they used to teach. And it just can get really jumbled.

And so this is why this topic is so empowering, so important and hard to practice. And not many of us have been taught this or been encouraged to practice this. And so this is, you know, we’re going to talk about this idea of developing your personal spiritual authority.

So if you find yourself in this scenario where you’re spinning, trying to decide what is my church teaching specifically, what is it saying about this specific thing? I want you to ask yourself, why? Why do I want to know what my church teaches about this or my church’s specific stance on this?

What you’ll find is the main concern or worry here isn’t like, is my church okay with this, but is God okay with this? Am I okay with God? Is my decision around this okay with God? What does God think of this? Am I enough? Am I being pure enough? Am I being clean enough? Am I worthy enough?

And so what I want to talk about today and encourage you to do is instead of relying on a specific leader or a church organization to tell you these things, the most important thing that you can do is develop your own spiritual authority around this.

And let me give you some examples. I think of Julie Hanks, who was on my podcast years ago, but she’s awesome. I think she even mentioned this in that episode, but she had a specific experience in the 80s where she was going back and forth on, should I have a career? Should I have a career? As a woman who should prioritize family, should I have a career? And in the 80s, the answer was no from her religious leaders, from her parental family, I don’t know all the details of her life, but the answer was no.

Now the answer has changed quite a bit. It’s a lot more normal and common for women to have a career. I don’t know if it’s still encouraged in certain religious organizations, but it’s definitely not as discouraged as it was in the 80s. And so council has changed from the church leaders.

Now, in the 80s, if she wouldn’t have listened to her own personal spiritual authority and instead relied on someone else to give her that answer, she wouldn’t have started her career, which was an amazing thing for her. She’s so, so, so grateful she did. And she’s so grateful that she decided to go with her own spiritual authority on this, rather than relying on someone else to tell her what to do with her life.

And you can do this. And not only can you, but you’re encouraged to do this with anything surrounding any religious teachings, especially in the realm of sexuality. Is it okay to masturbate? How do I interpret this scripture? This doesn’t feel right, what do I do about this? I’m gay, should I pursue a same-sex relationship? I have some really great resources for you if this is something that you’re working through.

I’ve got that great episode with TJ Thomas, who, you know, he’s bisexual and an amazing resource for those of you. I’ve got a lot of resources for support if this is something you’re working through. We are a very LGBTQ+ friendly organization. If you don’t know that already, you should. If you haven’t listened to my episodes, I hope that we make that very clear.

But like that can be such a painful, difficult process to go through to try to figure out what to do with your life. And we’ve got some resources for you that can help you. If you want that document I’ve made for a couple of people, just email us, [email protected], I’ll send you over that document. It has podcasts. It has accounts. It has local support, the people who I was creating it for were up in Provo, Utah. So there’s a lot of support up there that I know specifically for that. Anyways, there’s a bunch of different things in that document. If you want that, you can just message us.

The key here is you’re trying to develop this own personal spiritual authority is to move out of black and white thinking. And this can be hard to do spiritually if that’s what you’ve been used to and maybe if that’s what you’ve been taught. And if that’s how you’ve approached spirituality up until this point, where this is always wrong and this is always right and things are very black and white.

A lot of times spiritually from a young age, you’re taught that your parents know everything or your leaders know everything. Or there is someone above you that knows everything that will give you the rules and the regulations to follow. There’s very clear cut rules.

Now, when you get older, it’s not that way anymore. And someone should not tell you what is okay and not okay when it comes to all the details of your sexual life. You know, can we have oral sex? What type of sex can I have? Can I masturbate? What about this and this and this and this?

And so this is where developing your own spiritual authority is a game changer and can help you make sure that you’re feeling in integrity with your actions. And help you make decisions that are going to serve you the best. Because what do I say all the time? You are the authority of your life. You know what is best for your life more than anyone else. And no one, no one should tell you how all the details of those things, especially sexually should be. No one should tell you that. You are the authority and you get to decide what is best for you.

And so if we’ve been taught obedience over principles, obedience, obedience, obedience, obedience over let’s follow these principles, it can be a difficult shift, especially in sexuality, right? We’re really taught obedience instead of here’s some healthy sexuality principles to live by. We’re taught like, don’t make any mistakes. Be really careful. This is the one thing that’s going to ruin everything if you aren’t exactly, exactly obedient. That creates scrupulosity type thinking and a lot of distress.

And so what we really want to focus on are healthy sexuality principles. How do I want to use my sexuality for good in my life? And work backwards from those principles.

So number one, get clear on the principles and the values that you want to live from, especially sexually. Your sexual values, your sexual principles, and getting out of the weeds of “this is okay, but this isn’t okay.” And this is okay, but this isn’t okay. And this is okay, but this isn’t okay. The black and white.

Let’s get really clear on the principles. So some of those principles, and if you haven’t been taught this, like a lot of us weren’t growing up, right? We were taught very hard lines, not sexual principles or healthy sexuality principles. Which by the way, we’re doing a brand new milestone in the program, all about healthy sexuality, how to use sexuality for good. And we’re focusing on those principles, not focusing on the black and white weeds of everything. We also have a really great sex coach who comes in once a month to help you work through some of this for yourself.

So some of those principles might be, I’m going to use my sexuality for good. I’m going to use my sexuality to connect with my person. I’m going to use my sexuality for me. I’m not going to be coercive. I’m not going to put pressure on people. I’m not going to suppress.

So here’s the thing, using sexuality for good – And this is a whole topic on its own. And I talked about this in my interview with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, who I love, you guys. It was years ago, but it was probably one of my first episodes. We talk about using sexuality for good. But one thing here to realize is that using it for good is not suppression.

Suppression is the opposite of using it for good. But also the opposite of using it for good is totally acting on every single thing that you feel and objectifying people and all that icky stuff. There’s that side of it, but then the total suppression side of it too, is not using it for good either. We can get into all the nuances of that in another episode, probably with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife we’ll talk about that. And then in this new class that we’re doing in the program, this new milestone, we’ll go really in depth in that.

So anyways, number one, get clear on the principles and values you want to live from and out of the weeds of, is this okay? Is this not okay? Is this okay? Is this not okay? If you need help with this, this is what a lot of really great sex coaches will help you figure out. And we can do that with you too in the program.

Number two, look at the results. So we want to look at results over black and white thinking. Instead of, is this okay, this okay, this okay, this okay? Instead, what are the results I’m getting from this? And do I like these results? Are they good for my life? So we talk about this specifically with masturbation a lot because a lot of people were taught very black and white views about masturbation.

Instead of like, is masturbation okay? Is it not okay? I want you to ask what’s the result I want from my life with my sexuality? And is this something that’s helping me get that? So for example, some people, right, they have this value – This might be a hot take. So you guys know that I say stuff that is controversial often. But maybe someone’s waiting to have sex before they get married. And so they want to stay abstinent before they get married.

Now, what happens when you’re in a relationship? It builds and builds and builds. And that sexual tension just builds. And if there’s just complete suppression, it’s really easy for that to explode and to turn into something maybe you didn’t want to do or turn into you pressuring your person or any number of scenarios.

Now, in these cases, masturbation might be a great tool for you to have that release so that whenever you’re with your person, you’re not just thinking about getting some every second, right? So that’s an example where it can be a great tool.

Masturbating in marriage can be a great tool if you are apart and if you want to still connect sexually and you do it through different means. You know, sexting, phone sex, all these other things where masturbation is playing a part in this connection with your spouse.

There are a lot of sex coaches who recommend women, so women specifically, right, like a lot of shutdowns about your body and about your sexuality. And so learning how to orgasm for women can be a really difficult, daunting thing. And so masturbation here can be a really beautiful tool for women who are learning how to experience pleasure, how to masturbate so that they can then take that with their partners and experience that with their partners. That can be such a blessing for so many women.

And also look at the results of maybe being really black and white about this. So sometimes, I mean, okay, well, what my mind goes to is that really terrible case in the 90s, was it in the 90s or in the 80s, of that boy who was so, so, so into purity culture and taught very, very black and white things like sexual sin is next to murder. Masturbation is sexual sin.

There was a phrase going around at the time it’s like – Ew, it makes me sick, honestly –  like better dead clean than alive dirty. And for a young boy to take that really seriously, you know, he ended up committing suicide over masturbation. And so that’s of course a very, very extreme case, but we do have to look at the results that come from being really, really stringent and about things like this. They are very negative, harmful results that come from seeing this in such a stark way.

So, again, looking at these results, what are the results of this in my life and are they okay? If we’re going back to masturbation, are we using masturbation to disconnect from our spouse? To punish them somehow, right? That might not align with your sexual values and your sexual principles. Are we using masturbation to escape from wanting to date and wanting to have relationships? That might not go with your principles and values that you want to live from. And if that is, there’s no shame here, it’s just something to pay attention to. So it’s not so black and white.

And I’m using masturbation for this example because it comes up all the time. And this is a really beautiful way for us to start talking about spiritual authority. So again, results. Number one, get clear on the principles and values you want to live from.

And let’s make sure too, that the principles and values you’re living from, you’re also learning from healthy sexuality people, sex coaches. People who can teach you how to really embrace and love this part of you instead of just like suppress, suppress, it’s evil, it’s evil, it’s evil. Okay, how can we use this to like be fully integrated as a full human and use our sexuality for good?

Number two, look at the results. Look at the results. And just a few more notes on this results principle, because I want to give you a few other examples. We talked about masturbation, but anything with spirituality, look at the results you’re getting. And so instead of being so stringent on what should I do or what should I not do, what are the results I’m getting here?

So right, I used to have that checklist of I’m going to pray and read my scriptures and attend church and just checklist, checklist, checklist, checklist. And looking at that instead of looking at the results I wanted in my life. So really, the result I want in my life for my spiritual practice is to have a relationship with God and to feel close to God and to use my life for good.

So instead of working from the checklist, the black and white, all of those things, I’m working backwards. What’s this result that I want? And so sometimes what that means is if I want this result to be close to God, going on a drive and listening to inspiring music is going to help me do that more than praying and reading my scriptures, right? Like sometimes that’s the reality.

And for me, who is very prone to scrupulous thinking, like very, you know, got to do everything right, the exact right way. And I know a lot of you are too, because I’ve received a lot of that feedback. That was kind of a hard shift for me when I was first learning and trying to develop this personal authority, this personal spiritual authority was, oh, but that’s not what I’m told is the right thing to do. So instead of what is the right thing to do, it’s like, what’s the result I want? That’s way more important than doing the exact right thing, is getting the actual result that I want.

Okay, and then number three is developing your personal connection with God. The more that you can get really clear and really close with your personal relationship with God, the less you care about doing everything right, exactly by the handbook, black and white. And the more you care about just getting the best results for your life and for the people that you’re close to within your life.

You get to build that connection however you want to. My favorite thing to do is meditation over prayer. That’s something in recent years that I’ve really come to appreciate because prayer was just a lot of talking for me, and meditation is where I really actually started to hear and feel God.

I actually had a really beautiful experience. I’ve probably shared this before here on the podcast. But once I started meditating and kind of like getting my feet under me on how that works and I had practiced a bit, I started to realize, oh my goodness, God is everywhere. And I’ve heard that I’ve heard that my whole life, but like now I know what that means. And this is way bigger than I ever thought it was.

I once heard someone use this example once in regards to spirituality and God. And they said it was like I was so zoomed in on one flower and it was this beautiful flower and it’s all I could see. And then I zoomed out and I realized this was a whole field of flowers and I saw it everywhere. And it was so much bigger than I thought it was. And it was not this tiny little part of the world, it was in everything. So that’s what I experienced.

And the more that you can develop that, the easier it’s going to be to have this own personal spiritual authority. One thing that we have to be aware of with spiritual authority is that sometimes in really deep religious cultures, it’s a status thing to do all the checklists or to think about things a certain way. And so getting out of that does often require not caring quite so much about what people think of you.

Okay, lastly I want to talk about being aware of subtle spiritual abuse. These spiritual abuse things are going to get in the way of you developing your own personal authority. So here’s some examples of subtle spiritual abuse, shaming and ostracizing. Using shame to manipulate and control. Using your God or your relationship with God to manipulate and control.

And you know what? Let me go back and give some examples here. So shaming and ostracizing, an example of this is my husband was talking to me about when he was growing up there was one person in their congregation who – And we were talking about pornography specifically.

This one person was a porn addict and it ruined his whole life and it ruined his marriage and they got a divorce and it was horrible. And this person was used as an example in congregations, in their family meetings. Like it’s really horrible, honestly, so much shaming and ostracizing of this person that went on.

So that is a subtle spiritual abuse tactic. And when I say too, let me point this out, when I say subtle spiritual abuse, people aren’t aware that that’s what they’re doing often. And so, yeah, grace, love, they probably need some more education, but we can also be honest with how your body is experiencing that and the effects of that.

So subtle spiritual abuse tactics doesn’t necessarily mean that person is a bad person or an abuser if they’re using some subtle spiritual abuse tactics. But we do need to be aware of these so that it doesn’t get in the way of us learning our own spiritual authority.

So using shame to manipulate and control, using your relationship with God to manipulate and control. What this can look like is like, if you don’t do what I say, your relationship with God is in jeopardy. If you don’t follow my advice to a T, your relationship with God is in jeopardy.

It looks like refusing to apologize if they have done wrong. Or if they’ve done wrong, they blame that on God and say something like, I don’t know, like, I don’t know why God wanted it that way, but he just did that. That can be a subtle spiritual abuse tactic.

Name calling other people outside of the organization or name calling those who don’t do what they say to do. Just be aware of that one. Subtle spiritual abuse tactics can look like censorship, so anything that I don’t say, or that isn’t a part of our organization, isn’t from God. And so you have to be very wary of anything that doesn’t come from me or that doesn’t come from these specific leaders. You can’t trust anything that doesn’t come from us specifically. Some censorship, we’ve got to be kind of aware of that.

And then this idea, you’ll never be happy if you leave me, or you’ll never be happy if you don’t do exactly what I say. That’s a big subtle spiritual abuse tactic that we just kind of have to be aware of.

And if you’re curious, you’re like, oh, this doesn’t feel right, think about it in terms of a relationship with a person. So if you’re in a relationship with another individual and they were saying this to you, does that feel right? Does that feel like a healthy relationship? Or does this feel like subtle manipulation or subtle abuse going on?

The reality is that connecting to God is your given birthright. And so no one can take that from you. And let’s be really careful around people who say that they know more than you when it comes to your connection with God. No one knows better than you what God wants for your life. And that’s your birthright. And no one can take that away.

And it’s such a beautiful, beautiful practice, developing this personal spiritual authority, getting really grounded in that, feeling closer to God than ever before, and more aligned with your good, true, true, true self. And it can be kind of scary. So just all of the support, love, validation to those of you who it feels scary, it feels difficult, it’s confusing, it’s, I don’t know. I don’t know about this. I don’t know about this.

As always, take what resonates with you from me and drop anything that doesn’t resonate with you. What I will say is what I hope for everyone and for all of my clients is that they realize the depth of their connection with their highest, most spiritual self and that they learn to trust themselves more than they trust people outside of them to tell them what’s good for them in their lives and what’s right for them in their lives.

And I’ll just also mention here too, if you need help with this, come and get coaching on this. All of my coaches are amazing at this and will be able to help you. Because I have coaches who someone said to them, “Sara said this, and I don’t know how I feel about that.” I think it was specifically around the concept of overcoming pornography for good and kind of changing how we think about that. And he was like, I don’t know, something – I don’t remember what it was.

There was one specific part of that where he’s like, I don’t like that. That doesn’t feel good. And she’s like, what does feel good? And he’s like, this feels good. And she’s like, then let’s run with that. Let’s roll with that. Let’s explore that. And so we’re always, always going to support you in your journey, whatever that looks like, always. We trust you. We trust you too. And we’ll help you. We’ll help you get clear and clarity on the things that you’re not quite sure about.

So let us come help you if you need some help. Come join us if you’re not in the program yet and we can work through this together. You’re going to be really excited to see the two new milestones that are going in this month, specifically around shame and specifically around healthy sexuality.

We’ve got that new call with a sex coach every month. We’ve got weekly coaching calls every single week with me or one of my coaches. We’ve got milestone specific calls where we talk about very specific topics. We’ve got relationship coaching calls. A call for the partner who is struggling with porn and a call for the partner who is not struggling with porn, but their partner is struggling with porn and that’s difficult for them.

We’ve got, oh my gosh, you guys, we’ve got all sorts of things. I’m so proud of it. It’s my baby. It’s my baby and I love it and I take so much pride in that program and in how much we’ve grown and how much we’re able to support and help people in that lifetime access container.

So all right, you guys, have a great week. Talk to you later, bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography.

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent.

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.