Episode 164: Jenga vs. Super Mario Brothers

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast, Jenga vs. Super Mario Brothers. 

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer. 

Hey, you guys. Welcome to today’s episode. This is going to be a short episode. You know what? That’s good, I’m really excited to share this concept with you. I don’t think I’ve shared it on the podcast, I think it’s a concept I’ve only taught in my free classes. 

Right now I am on Oahu in Hawaii and it was a very short, last-minute thing. And I messaged my podcast people – I woke up in a sweat in the middle of the night last night and I was like, oh no, I forgot to record a podcast before I left. And they said just grab your headphones and go record something really quick. And so that’s what we’re doing. 

And when I have to do quick episodes like this, I often get tons and tons of good feedback on it, so hopefully this is useful to you all. Like I said, this is a really powerful concept that I think I’ve only taught in my classes and I’ve never shared on the podcast before. 

So let’s get into it. A mistake that a lot of people make when they want to quit viewing pornography is this all or nothing mindset that we talk about a lot. Particularly this idea that if you slip up, you have to start over. And so let’s say in different programs or accountability groups or whatever you’re trying to go 30 days or 60 days. And if you go 29 days without viewing porn but you slip up on the 29th day, oh shoot, you’ve got to start over and try to make it 30 days again. 

This is a huge, huge, huge mistake. It creates all or nothing thinking. It creates a lot of pressure. And what it ultimately does is it just creates a lot of that willpower resist cycle. It’s a very all or nothing mindset, it’s an addiction mindset, instead of a growth mindset, which is what we’re trying to cultivate that is ultimately going to be the most helpful to you as you’re trying to quit porn. 

What this is like is like playing Jenga. Have you guys played Jenga before? It’s with the blocks and everyone goes through and takes a turn pulling out a wooden piece. And one wrong move and the whole thing comes crashing down. That’s the game, you don’t want to be the person who pulls out the block that makes it come crashing down. And it’s high pressure, high stakes, it’s a fun game, but that mindset, one wrong move and it all comes crashing down sucks when it comes to quitting porn. 

And so instead, what we want to do is we want to have a growth-oriented mindset and think of it like we’re playing Super Mario Brothers. Super Mario Brothers was the game that my siblings and I all played together growing up. We played the old 64 version and then as newer versions came out, we would play other versions. And it was the best tradition, we play it during holidays still, growing up. 

So, Super Mario Brothers, the way that you get good at Super Mario Brothers is you play over and over and over again and you die over and over and over again. So if you’re going along and you get hit by a turtle fish and you die, you don’t start all the way over at the beginning of the game. You go back to your checkpoint. But then you go again and go again and go again. 

And the people who are the best at Super Mario Brothers are the people who have died the most. If you’re on a hard level, the swimming level, and a ghost fish comes and kills you, that doesn’t mean that you’re starting all the way over at the very beginning of the game. You go back to your checkpoint and you try again and try again and try again. And the way that you get good at getting around the ghost fish and knowing how to handle the ghost fish is you just play over and over and over and over and over again. 

And so that’s what a growth mindset is. It’s not this, oh, one wrong move and it all comes crashing down. Oh no, slipped up on day 29, got to start all the way over at day one. No, I hate that. I vehemently repel that type of thinking around this issue. It’s not how life works. It’s not what actually helps us grow and change. Instead, we want to use any slip ups as growth opportunities. 

And so what this looks like, we’re going to look at what was going on, what happened, what emotions was I feeling? Was I trying to buffer? Was it a witching hour? We’re going to ask ourselves all of these different questions. We’re going to gather data and it’s going to inform us for the next time something similar comes up. 

This is also true, let’s say that you yell at your spouse or yell at your kids. We can look at that and we can gather data around that. What was going on? What emotion was I feeling? Why was I so dysregulated? We can start to dissect it piece by piece. Maybe we realize, oh, I had a really bad day and I hadn’t taken any time for myself to decompress when I got home, and so small things just set me off. 

And instead of getting into this really self-deprecating mood, we can just say, oh, I need to take care of myself better. That’s what I’m going to work on. I’m going to make sure I have at least 20 minutes when I get home to breathe, to relax, to turn off my brain before I get into the hustle bustle of being at home. 

Or we can look at, oh, maybe there’s beliefs that I’m having or high expectations or something that’s causing me a lot of distress and I need to work through some of those beliefs. Maybe I’m not getting the support that I need in order to show up my best. So we can start looking and gathering data instead of immediately going into, oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? I’m a horrible person. 

So we can use this in all different scenarios in our life, but especially for those of you who are listening to this podcast, we can use it as a way to quit doing pornography. No more all or nothing, high pressure, high stakes. Instead, we’re learning and moving on from all of our mistakes. We’re using every single mistake as an opportunity to exponentiate our growth, to grow faster, to grow further. 

We’re not doing that all or nothing stuff. And we’re counting our progress based off of how many urges we’re processing, how we’re progressing in the milestones in the program for those of you who are part of the program. And we’re just looking at a bigger overall picture instead of a short week by week picture. 

Okay, you guys, thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up. I love you all so much. I just got off a meeting with all my coaches this morning, and we’re just talking about how much we adore, adore, adore our clients, love them, love this work, how special it is, how sacred it is just to be able to connect with and create relationships with and to be a safe person for all of you. We just love it. We feel very, very privileged to be here. 

And I feel so privileged to be here and to be building relationships with all of you. I know that I’m not hearing you talk, and a lot of you are just hearing my voice through whatever podcast platform you’re listening to, but there is distinct energy here. I feel connected to all of you. I really, truly, truly do. 

So for those of you who are in the program, I am looking forward to our next coaching call where I do get to see you all a little bit more face to face. For those of you who aren’t in the program, but you feel called to come and join us, please, please come and check it out. We would love to have you. I am so, so, so proud of our program. 

I’m so proud of what we’ve created. I’m so proud of the value that’s there. It’s worth at least 10 times more than you pay for it. You get lifetime access to all the things. And it’s just really a lovely container if you want to work through this. 

And let me tell you guys, the people I’ve hired and the people that work there are the most amazing people, and are the most amazing coaches. You’re all just going to adore them. Anyways, have a great week, we’ll talk to you next week. Bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography. 

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent. 

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.