Episode 163: Intro to Inner Child Work

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 163, Intro to Inner Child Work. 

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer. 

Hey everyone, welcome to today’s podcast episode. How is everyone doing? It’s winter, it’s cold. We had some really nice sunny days and now it’s back to pretty chilly again. That’s how it typically goes, right? I hope everyone is staying safe in areas where there is more flooding or more intense weather than where I’m at. 

We’re in the middle of hiring a bunch of more team members, so there’s some really cool big things happening in my business. We are rebranding to The Center for Overcoming Pornography For Good instead Sara Brewer, Sara Brewer, Sara Brewer. I keep telling people I’m so sick of seeing my name and I’m so sick of seeing my face. 

And I’m ready and I’m so excited about rebranding to it being more about the mission and more about our team and more about the vision than Sara Brewer, Sara Brewer, Sara Brewer, like my face everywhere. Part of that might be because I’m sick of trolls. I’m kind of sick of trolls and people commenting on my pictures and online and all this stuff. So it’s going to be fun for it to move into more of this center. 

We’ve done some really big internal changes and some vision changes. If you’ve heard, our intro changed a little bit to our podcast. So The Center for Overcoming Pornography, we are shame-free, sex positive, of course, all those things. And we’re getting really clear on what that means to be sex positive, and more on that in the future. But we’ve gotten really clear on that internally. We’re creating more milestones in the program to really help and combat a lot of this sexual shame that is unnecessary. 

We’re also research-based and so I’ve had a really amazing contractor come and do research for us and it’s been really fun. I told her, I was like I’m not looking for research to back up what I’m doing, I’m just looking for the research, period. 

And so it’s been really great, we’ve learned a lot. But also it’s been really lovely to see how what we’re doing is fitting what the research is finding around this already. The modalities that we use, the CBT techniques, the mindfulness techniques, the inner child grounding stuff, all of that stuff is just really proven to work well. 

And there’s not a ton of research out there on pornography, and so that’s some of the research that we’re hoping to contribute to. And this contractor helped me create some ways to start developing some of that research. And we’ll see how that goes. That’s a little bit more down the road, three, four, five years. 

But so we’re research-based, we’re results focused. So we’re really focused on what’s going to help people get the best results in their life that they want. And then, of course, trauma-informed. So that’s a requirement going into, as we’re moving forward that all of my coaches need to be trauma informed. And they all are right now, and so it’s not much of a change. But that’s just something really important as well, that we’re aware of how our body responds to trauma. 

I actually saw a really fascinating post just barely that talked about how a lot of trauma from purity culture – I know that’s like a, that can be like a trigger word. So what I mean by purity culture is just really intense teachings about sexual and sexuality and that it’s like the worst thing ever. Sexual sin is next to murder, right? So that kind of idea. But the trauma from growing up with that type of belief can manifest in the same way as other sexual traumas manifest in bodies. And I believe that. And I see that and yeah, totally. 

And so anyways, that’s just kind of what we’re working through. It’s really awesome. Really exciting hiring a bunch of new people. We’ve got some new coaches coming to work for us. And then also just hired a program ambassador. Who’s going to be amazing and going to be more of a resource for those of you who aren’t in the program, but want a contact point, want some help, want a specific person to answer questions. 

Right now the only people who’re answering questions are like me and my assistant, mostly my assistant. And it’s a lot, it’s a lot for her. I apologize, the DMs, we don’t get to all of our DMs. And the emails, we really try to respond to every single one. But that’s who this person, this program ambassador, he is going to do an amazing job at making sure that we’re taking care of anyone who is reaching out. I’m so excited to have him. We’re going to start onboarding him next week and get him going really soon. 

And so we also have a text number that you’re going to be able to text if you want some support, or if you have some questions, if you want someone to talk to, who is an ambassador of our business, of our company, of The Center for Overcoming Pornography. So that’s going to be amazing. It’s just fun. I just love what I get to do and just feel seriously privileged and lucky every single day. It’s really, really amazing. It makes me want to cry all the time, I just love it. 

One thing I want to mention here. I know that the podcast, as life-changing as it is for a lot of people, I know that I am not the best speaker. And I know that I say filler words, like freaking. And I know that sometimes I swear, and I try not to very often here. But I know these things and I am not open to criticism about how I speak on my podcast. 

I have gotten a couple of emails, and I wonder if it’s because there’s been that running joke about how I don’t say my Ts. And so if you’ve noticed, I really pronounce my Ts now, almost to the point where I’m over pronouncing them. But with that running joke I have gotten a few messages of people commenting on how I speak or that I’m saying this too much. Or recently it was like, you’re saying freaking too much and it’s offensive to me because it’s a filler for the F word. 

Okay, I understand that. And I’m sorry if you’re offended by that. And I’m not going to change how I speak and I’m not open to any criticism on how I speak. And I know it’s not perfect, okay? I’m doing my best. I’m doing my best. And my mantra honestly is B- work. That’s the only way I get anything out into the world is if it’s B- work. 

I mean, honestly, even just sitting down to record this podcast, it took me forever to decide what I was going to talk about because I was getting in my perfectionist mindset, which I still have quite a bit of. And I’m really, you know, I have a lot of tools to work through it. But I have all these things and I’m like, oh no, but this is going to take too long to really develop and really create a really amazing episode on this specific topic. And I don’t have the time to, I just need to record something. I’m like B-, oh yeah. B-, okay. B-. So that’s one of my mantras, B-. 

My other mantra is 5%. How can I just help someone 5%? Or is it 2%? I can’t remember. It might even be 2%. How can I just help someone 2% today? I don’t have to give them 100% of the things, but even if I can just sit down and record and just help 2%, that’s okay. That’s enough. And then it just builds on each other. 

So with that, as I’m introducing inner child work, I decided just to call this an intro to inner child work because I could do a whole series on this, and maybe we’ll do that in the future. Right now I’m working on adding a bunch of things in the program along this work, but we do a lot of inner child work on our coaching. 

And I want to introduce it here on the podcast and talk about it for a minute because it is some of the most powerful work that you could ever do. And it is just a joy to get to experience clients doing this inner child work when they’re open to it. 

So I’m just going to riff on inner child work. And then someday we’ll maybe do a series on this on the podcast. For sure we’ve got stuff coming in the program on this. Inner child work is this idea, it’s a healing modality. And it’s this idea of healing by working through inner child pain. So if we think about our bodies and ourselves and just our whole lovely self, we are not just who we are today, but we are who we were in the past and we are all these different ages. 

And so there are different time periods in our life where maybe we had something happen to us that really hurt and was wounded. And then we moved past it and we grew up, but that hurt and that trauma or that – And I don’t mean to use the word trauma loosely, but I’ve used it pretty broadly. The hurt, the pain from whatever might’ve happened at that age is still there, is still there and is still affecting you to this day. 

And so sometimes healing inner child stuff can be a beautiful, very powerful way of healing who you are today. Let me give you an example. And this is what it often looks like for my clients. We’re working through the shame. We’re working through the self-loathing and just like the freeze responses that we get with pornography and how painful it is and how it’s like we view porn or we’re thinking about how we have viewed porn in the past and it’s just immediately like, I am horrible. I’m the worst. No one wants to be with me. I’m very ashamed of this. 

Or even if it’s not that intense, it can still be like, oh, like twinges, twinges of shame and little pokes and something that just feels painful. So what we can do is we can kind of ask ourself, where did this begin? And if we’re to think of the shame and this part that hurts and go into our body and where are we feeling this and open this up so we can feel it, is there an age that comes to mind? 

A common question I ask, is there an age that comes to mind when we open up this wound? And a lot of times it’s like, yeah, 12 or 11, 8, 16, whatever that is. And I’m just giving an example here, it’s not the same for everyone. And this is work that’s really lovely to do with someone to kind of help you and walk you through it. But you can start doing this. As I give you this example, it’ll make sense. 

So let’s say it’s 11. Yeah, 11. Okay, well tell me why is it 11? And I had a client recently who said this, well 11 is when I first viewed and this is what my parents told me when they found out. My dad yelled at me and my mom didn’t yell, but she just cried. 

And I went to the Bishop and I talked to the Bishop and I just felt very ashamed and very afraid. And it was at 12 years old that I was worried that I was never going to be able to get married because I had viewed porn. And I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to live a good life because I had viewed porn. 

Even as I say this, I just feel myself wanting to cry because of how painful that is. And unfortunately, it’s not just a couple of people who experienced that. It was like very, very rough messaging. Of course we look at it now and we’re like, no, like you’re 12. That’s normal. Nothing’s wrong with you. But when we were 12, right? So this example, or was it 11? I can’t remember. When I was 11 or 12, that’s what I was thinking that was really painful. 

So the inner child work looks like you now get to be the parent to that child. And so we’re going to go back to that 11 year old, that 12 year old, and we’re going to talk to him and we’re going to tell him things and we’re going to comfort him. And you can do this just alone, like in your car, you can get into a meditation state and do this during a meditation. It really doesn’t matter. 

What matters is that now you take the responsibility for healing this child and you do that in this compassionate, loving, boldly loving. I’m taking care of you. I’m protecting you. Even though there wasn’t someone to protect you back then, I’m doing this now. So you can write down and journal on what would I tell this younger self and just sit in that and meditate in that. And what you come up with is going to be so powerful. 

Now, some work that might need to be done here is if you don’t really know what a loving response or what a loving parent looks like, that’s where we’re going to want to do some coaching or some therapy or some work around that, right? Or you can start to read some books about it and just get some ideas from different books. 

But some examples, some things I would tell this younger self, and you imagine him, okay? So let’s back up a little bit, you get into maybe a meditation or you’re just sitting quietly in a chair or in your car and you’re imagining him. Pull up a picture. Okay, here’s my 11, 12 year old self. Imagine what did I like then? What was I feeling? What was going on in my life? Just go there. 

Imagine him coming up and sitting next to you. And then you get to talk to him. Hey, you’re okay. I know you just viewed this and that was scary. And I know you were confused and I know that you’re confused because it felt good too. And let me teach you about that and let me tell you what that is. 

That’s normal. You’re getting to this age where sexuality is becoming a part of your life. Let me explain this to you. And there’s nothing wrong with you. And I know dad just yelled at you and that’s not okay. And breathe and feel the grief that comes up with that or feel whatever it is that comes up with that, which is a really good point to this. 

A lot of inner child work is going to be being able and feeling grief and sadness without trying to talk your inner child out of that. But just can I sit with my 11 year old while he’s sad, while he’s hurt? This is, again, where if that feels scary or overwhelming, a therapist or a coach or someone to help you with that is going to be really helpful. 

All the coaches in Overcome Pornography For Good, we’ve done trainings on this. We can help you with this, okay, if that feels too overwhelming. But you sit with that and it wasn’t okay for him to say that. And mom cried and that probably made you feel really, really shameful. And I want you to know that you’re okay and you’re still going to have a really great life. And there are lots of people who have viewed porn and have beautiful lives. And this hasn’t ruined anything. 

This is actually kind of a normal experience. And I’m going to help you. We’re not going to become out of control and we’re not going to do things that are outside of our value system. And we’re going to continue to grow and develop, but guess what? You’re 11 years old and this is new and this is scary. And I’ve got you and you’re okay. And no matter what happens, you’re going to be okay. I promise. 

And so you have these beautiful healing conversations with your inner child. And here’s the thing, you guys, it’s not just a one-time thing. That one time can be really, really powerful, but this is going to be something that comes up over and over and over again. 

So then again, you’re going throughout your day and some shame twinges hit you, or maybe you slip up and it hurts and it brings it back. So you’re going to, again, start talking to this inner child. Hey, I know. I hear you. This hurts. I’ve got you. We’re going to be okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. I know you were told all these things about it, but now we’re working on changing that. And here’s some more truth that we can hold on to. 

The truth is that people who view porn still have really beautiful, happy lives. And that you are going to be able to get married and you’re going to have a really beautiful, happy life with someone that gets married. And you know what? I’m kind of working through this right now and that’s okay, but, but we’re going to be okay and I’ve got you. I know you’re feeling all these feelings. You can feel this and I’m just going to hold you while you’re feeling this, right? 

So that can be a part of it. I’m just going to hold you while you’re feeling this. And I’m going to reassure you as much as you need to. No, you are still lovable. You are still lovable. I promise you, you are still lovable. And having that picture of yourself at that age, putting it in your wallet, putting it on your desktop, computer, somewhere that you can just see it, on your mirror in your bathroom, somewhere that you can see it often. And the only thing you’re focused on when you look at that is just love. I’m just loving the heck out of this person. 

Okay, so that is kind of this introduction to inner child work and some work that can be really, really powerful. How you can start is just a meditation, asking yourself what age comes up when I feel this wound. Once you have that age, you can get into what was going on. What happened? What do I remember about that age? What did I like at that age? Who was I? Just kind of like brain dump all of that out. 

And then if he were here now, what would I say to him? And get into even a little meditative stance and imagine him here, or look at that picture and work with him. Some other things you can do are doing activities with this younger self that your younger self really liked. 

So when I did some work on my five-year-old, there were some wounds around when I was five that I was working through. And it’s like my five-year-old just loved to swim. She loved to swim. So I would go swimming and I would, you know, as funny as it sounds, sometimes pretend that she was there swimming with me and just like loving, loving, loving on her. Loving, loving, loving on her while we’re swimming. 

Maybe it’s dirt biking or playing games or playing video games. Like take your younger self out on a date where you just get to love on them. A lot of us, when we were younger, didn’t experience unconditional love. Maybe we were made fun of for what we liked. Maybe we were told not to be so competitive or told not to be so intense or told not to be emotional. Don’t cry. Boys don’t cry, right? Oh, I hate that. Hate that messaging. 

And so, but there’s a lot of healing we can do around that. And a lot of healing we can do around this. So that’s like a quick introduction, how you can start doing this work, how powerful it can be. And I just want to reiterate that as you heal, as you heal these parts of yourself, the impact is so much greater than just you. 

Oh, like I’m imagining what I’m saying right now, just sinking into you all because I really want you to understand this. The healing is so much more than just you. And even though, if it was just you, you are completely worthy of that. And that’s reason enough to do this work, 100%. 

But this is going to heal your kids. This is going to heal the generations that come after them. This is going to heal ancestral lines. You know, your ancestors who didn’t have this work, who are hurting from this, this can heal any of that familial trauma that gets passed down. 

Truly, truly, truly, there’s no better work that you can do than that of healing those wounds inside of you. It will permeate into every area of your life. It will make every area of your life better and it will heal everyone around you. 

Taking care of yourself, healing yourself, healing your inner child is not just about helping you now, and it will, and it’ll change your life. But it’s about helping everyone around you. I mean, even as you do this, let’s say you’ve got older kids or adult kids, like you healing and doing this inner child healing is going to allow you to have conversations with them that are going to heal them as well. 

All right, you guys, thanks for being here, have a great week. We’ll talk to you later. Bye bye.

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography. 

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent. 

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.