Episode 143: Ask a Coach: The Fear of Missing Out

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer. 

Hi everyone, welcome to Overcome Pornography For Good. We are currently on a season break, and regular podcasting will resume January 1st. But we are still bringing you brand-new content every single week by sharing an Ask a Coach question and answer from me or from one of the other coaches in Overcome Pornography For Good. 

Ask a Coach is a feature in the program, in our program Overcome Pornography For Good, where you can come and you can submit questions or coaching and get a personalized response from a coach on our team. This is something that when you join you get lifetime access to and you can submit as many questions as you would like. 

You can submit 10 a day, 20 a day, you could come back down the road in three years and submit a question. You’ll always get answers, you’ll always get help and support via our portal through the Ask a Coach function in the program. So you can submit questions. If you’re struggling you can ask for help. You can submit your learn and move-ons or other worksheets. 

And so what we’re doing right now is we are picking and choosing a few of these to answer anonymously, of course, here on the podcast until we pick back up with regular programming on January 1st. And I think you’re going to love it, it’s going to be so helpful and so good. And you get to hear from all the other coaches. 

So before we hop in, I do want to talk about a brand-new free resource that I have for you all that’s perfect to announce during this podcast break. It is called the podcast roadmap. What this is, is it’s a roadmap of all of the key podcast episodes. With around 150 episodes, that can feel really overwhelming if you’re new to the podcast. So what we did is we created a roadmap. 

Here’s 12 of the most important episodes to listen to. You can listen to them in order or not, but we have those listed out for you and linked for you and you can sign up for that and get that in your inbox for free at sarabrewer.com/podcastroadmap. No spaces, no dashes, podcastroadmap. 

I really hope that you guys will go and take advantage of this. Even if you’ve been a longtime listener and you’re using this podcast break to maybe catch up on episodes, go and download the podcast roadmap to re-listen to those most important episodes. 

We also have our free masterclass that’s always available if you want just the quick and easy version of how do I quit porn, that’s sarabrewer.com/masterclass. It’s just an hour long, it’ll walk you through the process. It keeps it short and simple. 

And then, of course, we always have our program open. So you can come and join and work with us. You can start getting answers to your Ask a Coach questions, you can come and get coaching. Remember, it’s a lifetime access, so we’ve got the modules and all of the work for you to do in the program, the milestones to complete. 

And then you have lifetime access to coaching calls. We have multiple coaching calls every single week. We have specialized marriage calls, relationship calls, support calls. We have regular coaching calls, which are the ones that I do. We have calls on each individual milestone. Anyways, there’s so much in there. I won’t go into all of those details here, but you can see all the details of the program, sarabrewer.com/workwithme. 

All right, you guys, enjoy these Ask a Coach Q&As. 

Kat: Hello everyone, this is Kat from Overcome Pornography For Good. I’m excited to be sharing with you today our Ask a Coach question. Today’s question is, “I realize that a part of me doesn’t want to let go of this habit yet. Like there is FOMO if I remove this habit from my life. How can I get my brain to stop fearing the idea of my new identity?” 

First off, this is a normal reaction to have. The brain is often averse to change, it doesn’t like it. And the thought of missing out and having some fear, that’s real. There’s a real fear there. So first off, acknowledge that fear. 

We often talk here in the program that our emotions have something to teach us. What are you afraid of? This part of you has a voice, so let’s hear what it has to say. Let’s take a sec and give it some time. In order to do this, I’m going to offer you a little exercise that you can try. 

So I want you to take a piece of paper, and on the front side of that piece of paper, I want you to let this part of you talk. Let it tell you what it’s afraid of. What is it going to be missing out on if you let this habit go? Make that list long. Give it time. Give it time to share, give yourself time to explore and be honest with what comes up. 

As you do this exercise I want you to use the role of being an observer, right? We’re just collecting data. We’re just figuring out what’s going on there. This is not a time that we’re going to judge this part of us, so I don’t want you to do that. 

I want you to make sure you’re in a safe space to do this. Make sure that you are in a grounded place, that you maybe have done some work if you’ve been triggered by something and it came up. Make sure that you’re feeling good when you start this exercise, okay? Because the more honest that you can be in allowing this part to talk, the more that you can allow it to say what it has to say without judgment, the more that you can start building trust with this part. 

And it’s okay that you have these thoughts and that these thoughts are there. We’re just going to listen, we’re just going to hear what’s going on. And once you get done with that first side, you’re going to flip the paper over and on the other side, I want you to write down why you’re here working to overcome pornography. Why you’re here listening to the podcast? Why you’re here maybe in the program if you’re in the program. What is this new identity that you want to create? 

And why do you want to create this new identity? Give yourself time to explore here too. What do you see on the other side of this? What is that future self gaining by letting go of this habit? Again, give yourself time to explore. Share what comes up, see what’s there, again, with no judgment. We’re just looking. We’re just collecting data. 

So now that you have these two sides of the paper, you’ve collected data from this part and you’ve collected data from what you really want, right, like why you’re here, why you joined, why you’re listening. This helps us as we look at these two sides to see that there are other endings to the story. 

Sometimes when we get in this FOMO, right, when we’re afraid that we’re going to miss out on something, we don’t often tend to look at the other side of that. All we can see is one side. And so doing this exercise helps create space for finding other possibilities that are out there, finding other ways of thinking. 

So as we’re creating this space, for the part that’s afraid especially, and we’re not just pushing it away but we can move toward our new identity as we hear out what this part had to say, what this part is afraid of. Giving it time to share because the reality of any choice is that when you say yes to something, it means you’re saying no to something else, right? So any time you’re making a choice, there are always two options, and sometimes we don’t look at the other side of that. 

So now we’re just giving ourself time to see both sides. And now that we have collected all of this data, we can make a decision from there that can help us to move forward, all right? 

You’ve got this, you guys. You can do this, I know that you can and I’m so excited. If you have any other questions, bring them to the Ask a Coach, we’re here to help. Thank you, guys, for being here and listening, we’ll see you guys next time. 

I want to invite you to come and listen to my free class, How To Overcome Pornography For Good Without Using Willpower. We talk about how to stop giving in to urges without pure willpower or relying on phone filters so that you can actually stop wanting pornography. 

We talk about how to stop giving up after a few weeks or months. And spoiler alert, the answer isn’t have more willpower. And then lastly, we talk about how to make a life without porn easily sustainable and permanent. 

If you’re trying to quit porn, this class is a game changer. So you can go and sign up at Sarabrewer.com/masterclass, and it is totally free.