Episode 27: The Shame Apathy Trap

Uncategorized Jul 19, 2021


If you’ve been a listener here for any length of time, you’ve likely heard me talk about the destructive nature of shame everywhere in life, but especially when trying to quit pornography. The shame spiral not only leaves you feeling like there’s something inherently wrong with you, but it can lead to a sense of apathy.

This week, I’m introducing you to a concept called the shame apathy trap. It’s an insidious cycle that creates so much unnecessary pain and suffering when we’re not aware of it in action, so I’m showing you how it plays out and some tips to start getting a handle on it.

If you feel like you’re never doing enough in your attempt to overcome pornography, or you’re starting to feel like you don’t care anymore and that’s adding to your feeling of shame, listen in this week. The shame apathy trap can make us think we just need to care more and do more, but I’m showing you how that’s the...

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Episode 26: The #1 Key to Quitting Pornography

Uncategorized Jul 12, 2021

 As we grew up, the message we received was always that negative emotions are a problem and must be avoided. If we feel bad, we are taught that we must do whatever it takes to feel better, so it’s no wonder we don’t want to feel our feelings. But what if this is not true? What if we are supposed to feel these emotions?

So many of us are afraid of our feelings, but emotions are completely harmless - resisting them is harmful. If you are slipping up and struggling to quit using pornography, there is one reason why, and it is linked to your feelings.

In this episode, I’m sharing the #1 key to quitting pornography and showing you how to develop a skill that will allow you to accomplish great things in your life. I’m sharing the importance of feeling your emotions and why learning how to do this will completely change your life.

I have amazing news. If you want to take the work I’m sharing on the podcast deeper, I’m running a masterclass

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Episode 25: What to Do if Your Partner is Struggling with Porn with Lindsay Poelman

Uncategorized Jul 05, 2021

I am so excited to bring you an interview this week with an amazing coach and friend of mine, Lindsay Poelman. I feel truly lucky to know her, and hearing from her today is going to give all of you some great insights into the work we do here on the podcast, especially if you have a partner who is struggling with porn use.

Lindsay Poelman is a coach who experienced firsthand the realities of having a partner who is battling a pornography habit. Now, she dedicates her work to empower women in their marriages regardless of what their husband is doing, or not doing. Whether your husband is viewing porn, has decided to quit, or has tried quitting and is struggling, Lindsay is here to help you live a life beyond what you perhaps believe is possible right now.

Join me on the podcast this week as I put your questions to Lindsay Poelman around what to do if your partner is struggling with porn. Lindsay is sharing the story of how she found coaching, the difference it’s made in her...

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Episode 24: Fear of the Future

Uncategorized Jun 28, 2021


Fear of the future is something that comes up so often for my clients and anyone with a pornography habit. They think to themselves, “If I look at porn, my life will be ruined.” And while it may seem like fear is the perfect motivator, I want to show you the dark side of overemphasizing this perspective.

I asked a bunch of you recently, what are you afraid of when it comes to pornography, and what does that fear cause you to act? The answers were incredibly eye-opening, and the actions people take only perpetuate the problem. But what I want for you is to take positive action towards quitting porn, so I’m sharing the reality of using fear as a motivator in today’s episode.

Tune in this week to discover why the fear that so many people feel around quitting porn is not the motivator you need if you want to break the habit. I’m sharing why love and hope will always take you further than fear and how you can work on overcoming any fear around porn,...

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Episode 23: Curiosity Vs Judgment

Uncategorized Jun 21, 2021


Every time you slip up and do something you told yourself you weren’t going to do, instead of just ignoring it and trying again, I always encourage my clients to go back, look at the situation, and get curious about what happened and answer some questions about it.

Curiosity is such a big part of breaking a habit like viewing pornography. But something that comes up with so many of my clients when they’re in the process of getting curious is they find themselves being very judgmental towards themselves, especially after slipping up and viewing porn after a period of abstinence. And this doesn’t help anyone.

Join me on the podcast to discover how to be more curious in your journey of overcoming pornography, and less judgmental. I’m sharing why curiosity will always move you through any process quicker than judgment, and what you can do to reframe those occasions when you do decide to view pornography despite trying to quit.

I’m running a live...

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Episode 22: Commitment Vs Motivation

Uncategorized Jun 14, 2021


When quitting porn, we often think we need discipline or commitment, as well as motivation. And a lot of people think these are actually the same things. But the truth is, motivation is not required. And if that sounds counterintuitive, you really need to listen in today.

Motivation doesn’t get you anywhere. Motivation doesn’t last, and truthfully, waiting on motivation will keep you from doing anything big, meaningful, or important with your life, and that includes quitting pornography. What you need is more commitment, and in this episode, I’m showing you how to cultivate the discipline and commitment required to change your pornography usage.

Join me on the podcast this week to discover the difference between commitment and motivation. I’m sharing my own story of cultivating more commitment and discipline in my life, and how you can apply this experience to reach your goal of overcoming pornography. This isn’t going to be easy, but it will be...

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Episode 21: Urge Flow

Uncategorized Jun 07, 2021


One question that always comes up for my clients around urges is what to do when your urges seem to keep coming back. Learning to process and allow urges is a big portion of the work I do with clients, but this urge flow means that the desire to view pornography is always going to return. And this is the point where living with the urge becomes even more difficult.

Now, when we are learning to process and understand your pornography habit, this urge flow is inevitable. So, in this episode, I’m preparing you for dealing with the thoughts and feelings that will come up for you when the urges you thought you had already dealt with start to resurface.

Join me on the podcast this week for a greater understanding of how your urges flow, and how to handle them when they come back time and again. You’ll discover how to live with the urge and analyze where it comes from, instead of getting caught up in negative thoughts because of your desire to view porn.

I have amazing...

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Episode 20: 50-50

Uncategorized May 31, 2021


Today I want to share with you a principle that has helped me so much in my own life, and also it’s the thing my clients say has helped them the most in overcoming their porn habit. In fact, every time I get a comment on the podcast or an email from a listener who is struggling, I always know that this principle is the one thing that would change their life.

The concept I’m talking about today is that in all of life, every aspect of it is 50% positive and 50% negative. Whatever stage of life you’re in, you’re always going to be happy half the time, and sad half the time. People think that when they get married, get a new job, new car, whatever, they think they’re going to be happier. You’re not. But trust me, this is actually the best news ever because once you embrace the 50-50 of life, you can start enjoying all of it.

Join me on the podcast this week to discover the principle of 50-50, and how understanding it will be key in overcoming...

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Episode 19: Sexual Shame

Uncategorized May 24, 2021


Sometimes when people are new to me, they wonder how I can be sex-positive while also helping people quit their porn habit. So, I think it’s important to dive into this a little bit today because shame around sexuality is the one thing that keeps most people going back to pornography time and time again.

Sexual shame is this feeling of profound responsibility and deep remorse that is experienced associated with thoughts and fantasies about sex. And especially if you’re from a conservative religious background, this might affect you more than others. And you guys know that I’m very spiritual and religious, so I’m going to speak to you in that light throughout this episode.

Join me on the podcast this week to discover where our sexual shame comes from, and why no matter how much of it you feel, it’s never going to help you quit viewing porn or anything else. Instead, I’m sharing where to focus if you want to quit porn, and giving you some...

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Episode 18: Self-Concept and Addiction

Uncategorized May 17, 2021


We’ve talked about describing your porn habit as an addiction before on the podcast. It’s so easy to categorize our behavior as an addiction, but the truth is, when we think we’re addicted, we leave ourselves feeling disempowered and without agency. And today, I think it’s important we discuss this topic as it relates to your self-concept.

Your self-concept has way more to do with your pornography usage than you might think. Just like you might think of yourself as socially awkward, you’re going to pick up on all of the awkward things you do, and even justify them to yourself as, “That’s just who I am.” And while that’s fairly harmless, when we do it with our porn habit, it makes solving for it really tricky.

Join me on the podcast this week to discover why describing yourself as an addict might be making overcoming pornography even more difficult than it already is. I’m sharing how I classify an addiction, and...

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